Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The bar graph illustrates the proportion of Americans ate in fast food establishments over a period of ten years from 2003 to 2013. v.1

The bar graph illustrates the proportion of Americans ate in fast food establishments over a period of ten years from 2003 to 2013. v. 1
In the last thirty years, technology has been developed dramatically. Since the discover of the telephone, people are always connected. For this reason, technology has been used in order to control people. This essay will explain why the disadvantages of the development are more important of the advantages. First of all, the disadvantage is the limitation of our privacy. Some companies are able to spy our information and collect them. The main problem is that people do not realise this situation. Recent research affirms that 60% of the European population do not believe that some companies, such as google, have access of a lot of information about us without our authorization. In my experience, once I was speaking about some specific type of food and, after one hour, there were advertisements in Google about it. Furthermore, in some countries the technology can restrict more and more the freedom of the population. For instance, in Singapore, even if the police think that your behaviour is suspicious, they can bring you in jail. On the contrary, there are a lot of benefits. Security cameras can allow the government to create a safer environment. For example, when a crime is committed, it is easy to find the guilty man because of the recorded evidence. But according to some economist, there is one another important advantage: it is easiest understood, which type of business the market need. In this economy point of view, government can exploit this information in order to increase the national’s wellness. In conclusion, I believe that in this moment the disadvantages are more important of the disadvantage because the information, which are collect from companies and governments, limit the freedom of the population.
In the last thirty years, technology has
been developed
dramatically
. Since the
"Discover" is a proper noun and needs to be capitalized.
discover
of the telephone,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are always connected.
For this reason
, technology has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in order to control
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why the disadvantages of the development are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of the advantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disadvantage
is the limitation of our privacy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are able to spy our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and collect them. The main problem is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
this situation. Recent research affirms that 60% of the European population do not believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, such as google, have access of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about us without our authorization. In my experience, once I was speaking about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific type of food and, after one hour, there were advertisements in Google about it.
Furthermore
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries the technology can restrict more and more the freedom of the population.
For instance
, in Singapore, even if the police
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that your
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is suspicious, they can bring you in jail.

On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits. Security cameras can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to create a safer environment.
For example
, when a crime
is committed
, it is easy to find the guilty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the recorded evidence.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
economist, there is one another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
advantage: it is easiest understood, which type of business the market need. In this economy point of view,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can exploit this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in order to increase the national’s wellness.

In conclusion
, I believe that
The usual collocation for "this moment" is "at" not "in". Did you mean "At this moment"?
in this moment
the disadvantages are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disadvantage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, which are collect from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
, limit the freedom of the population.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar graph illustrates the proportion of Americans ate in fast food establishments over a period of ten years from 2003 to 2013. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts