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The chart below shows how frequently people in the USA ate at fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013 v.1

The chart below shows how frequently people in the USA ate at fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013 v. 1
Children in some countries often have a short school duration of 5 hours a day only, while in some other countries kids have to spend a longer duration than that. This essay will argue that having longer school hour than 5 hours have more merits than demerits. To begin with, the striking advantage of having long school hours is that children can be taught for extended hours. Teachers, while getting additional time, is likely to ensure children’s better uptake of lessons in the classroom. That could possibly help young learners achieving superior results than children who spend only 5 hours a day in school. For example, in the elementary examination of the class 5 students in Canada, most of the high achievers are from those schools that have a 7 hour school day. However, a possible disadvantage of having extended school hours is that children might have limited ties with their families. Spending more hours at school is likely to spare only a few hours for the kids at home. Children might find those few hours inadequate to develop a quality relationship with family members, thereby it may have an impact on family relationships. In fact, a local university journal last year claimed that family bond is likely to become stronger with children passing long hours with their parents in their offspring. In conclusion, although keeping long school hours, leaving fewer hours for the kids to spare with their family, it could also result in a reduced study hour at home. Since children can have their lessons studied at school, they could spend the remaining time entirely with their family members without having a worry of their study, therefore the advantages completely outweigh the disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
duration of 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, while in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other countries kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend a longer duration than that. This essay will argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
than 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
have more merits than demerits.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the striking advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be taught
for extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. Teachers, while getting additional time, is likely to ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
better uptake of lessons in the classroom. That could
possibly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young learners achieving superior results than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who spend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For example
, in the elementary examination of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
5 students in Canada, most of the high achievers are from those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
that have a 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
day.

However
, a possible disadvantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might have limited ties with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. Spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is likely to spare
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for the kids at home.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
might find those few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
inadequate to develop a quality relationship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, thereby it may have an impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships. In fact, a local university journal last year claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bond is likely to become stronger with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
passing long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
with their parents in their offspring.

In conclusion
, although keeping long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, leaving fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for the kids to spare with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, it could
also
result in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
at home. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have their lessons studied at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they could spend the remaining time
entirely
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a worry of their study,
therefore
the advantages completely outweigh the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay The chart below shows how frequently people in the USA ate at fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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