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The chart below shows how frequency people in the USA ate in fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013. v.1

The chart below shows how frequency people in the USA ate in fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013. v. 1
In today’s globalised earth, in recent decades, it has been an issue frequently generating a great deal of heated debate between two groups of individuals as to whether it is appropriate that people, who are in some sport types regarded as a popular thing, get high amount of salary meanwhile others, on the contrary, working in another crucially important field, are receiving less wealth. However from my point of view these other members of a society have every right for taking an equal amount bulk of the wage from the government. On the one hand, there are some factors that could be strong arguments against the other side of this issue, why successful sports, professions can get the huge extent of fund on a regular basis. Firstly it should be emphasized that, our this contemporary world has developed as it is now, which means that it can be complicated obstacle to adjust it. What I mean is that, people, over the years, have paid attention to that kind of sports to a great extent, namely, football, which enables them to earn funds by becoming at the centre of attention. To illustrate this can be seen by Cristiano Ronaldo, who is one of those celebrities taking a huge volume of salary on messengers that is harnessed by lots of people nowadays. Secondly, the competitions held among different countries or clubs can select their positions throughout the nature that can be a credible reason why the winners are provided with much fund. Finally, on top of it, it should be considered, the abilities they posses necessities hard working for enhancing, or their reputation. On the other hand, there is a wide spread opposition towards this by the opponents. They tend to claim that the employees of other jobs, particularly doctors have a crucially important high role in our society. It is crystalline clear that nowadays the earth is facing a burning issue called Covid 19 costing at people’s life. The actions being taken by doctors with the aim of eliminating it, are more vital compared to sports professionals, should be thanked. In the absence of them it would be impossible for us to eradicate this jeopardy disease. In conclusion, having taken everything into consideration, I completely believe that not only the doctors but also the other people in a variety of jobs should get a great deal of pay as supporters.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalised' is British English.
globalised
earth, in recent decades, it has been an issue
frequently
generating a great deal of heated debate between two groups of individuals
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
it is appropriate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who are in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
types regarded as a popular thing,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high amount of salary meanwhile others,
on the contrary
, working in another
crucially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
field, are receiving less wealth.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
from my point of view these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
members of a society have every right for taking an equal amount bulk of the wage from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors that could be strong arguments against the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side of this issue, why successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, professions can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the huge extent of fund on a regular basis.
Firstly
it should
be emphasized
that, our this contemporary world has developed as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, which means that it can
be complicated
obstacle to adjust it. What I mean is that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, over the years, have paid attention to that kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to a great extent,
namely
, football, which enables them to earn funds by becoming at the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of attention. To illustrate this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by Cristiano Ronaldo, who is one of those celebrities taking a huge volume of salary on messengers that
is harnessed
by lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays.
Secondly
, the competitions held among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries or clubs can select their positions throughout the nature that can be a credible reason why the winners
are provided
with much fund.
Finally
, on top of it, it should
be considered
, the abilities
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they posses
necessities
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
for enhancing, or their reputation.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there is a wide spread opposition towards this by the opponents. They tend to claim that the employees of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
jobs,
particularly
doctors have a
crucially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
high role in our society. It is crystalline
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that nowadays the earth is facing a burning issue called
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
Covid 19
costing at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life. The actions
being taken
by doctors with the aim of eliminating it, are more vital compared to
The verb after "to" should be in the base form: "sport".
sports
professionals, should
be thanked
. In the absence of them it would be impossible for us to eradicate this jeopardy disease.

In conclusion
, having taken everything into consideration, I completely believe that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the doctors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a variety of jobs should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a great deal of pay as supporters.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows how frequency people in the USA ate in fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
399 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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