Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The bar graph below shows the numbers of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia in the year 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The bar graph below shows the numbers of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia in the year 2003.
In the present age, globalization is playing increasingly important role in our lives. But in the meantime, whether it is a blessing or a curse has sparked much debate. Some people argue the globalization has fundamentally beneficial influence on our lives while many others contend that it has detrimental effect as well. Convincing arguments can be made that globalization not only plays a pivotal role in the development of technology and the economy, but also promotes the exchange of cultures between different countries. To start with, it is the globalization that impelled many corporations to become an international group, thereby making contributions to local technology and employment. Specifically, when a multinational group establishes a factory in a developing country, the new equipment, the new management skill and the job vacancies are all in the best interest of local society. Moreover, people worldwide can know each other better through this phenomenon. It is easy to see that more and more Hollywood blockbusters show the cultures different from American, some recent examples are Kung fu Panda and Mummy. Admittedly, the profit driven growth to a global scale severely affected the young people. Today, in the metropolises in different countries, it is a fairly common sight that teenagers are wearing NIKE T-shirt and Adidas footwear, playing Hi-pop music with the Apple iPod and having KFC. The culture that took a thousand years to form is just seems similar in these cities; it looks like you can only distinguish them by their language. Meanwhile, in some developing countries, sweater workshop is always the issue that concerned with WHO. For instance, some report shows that some teenagers who employed by NIKE’s contractor always stay in the factory that is fulfilled by smell over 14 hours a day, but they only work for fifty cents per hour. In summary, I would concede that globalization do come with some adverse effects. Despite that the benefits created by it far outweigh the disadvantages. Overall, I, convinced that we should further promote globalization and meanwhile the local government should take some measures to combat culture assimilation and sweat workshop.
In the present age, globalization is playing
increasingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in the meantime, whether it is a blessing or a curse has sparked much debate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue the globalization has
fundamentally
beneficial influence on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others contend that it has detrimental effect
as well
.

Convincing arguments can
be made
that globalization not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
plays a pivotal role in the development of technology and the economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
promotes the exchange of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, it is the globalization that impelled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
corporations to become an international group, thereby making contributions to local technology and employment.
Specifically
, when a multinational group establishes a factory in a developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, the new equipment, the new management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and the job vacancies are all in the best interest of local society.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
worldwide can know each other better through this phenomenon. It is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that more and more Hollywood blockbusters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from American,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recent examples are
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kung
Possible spelling mistake found.
fu
Panda and
In some contexts, this is childish language. Consider alternatives.
Mummy
.

Admittedly
, the profit driven growth to a global scale
severely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, in the metropolises in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, it is a
fairly
common sight that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are wearing NIKE T-shirt and Adidas footwear, playing Hi-pop music with the Apple iPod and having KFC. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
that took a thousand years to form is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
seems similar in these cities; it looks like you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
distinguish them by their language. Meanwhile, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, sweater workshop is always the issue that concerned with
Did you mean "whom"?
WHO
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
report
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who employed by NIKE’s contractor always stay in the factory that
is fulfilled
by smell over 14 hours a day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
work for fifty cents per hour.

In summary, I would concede that globalization do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse effects. Despite that the benefits created by it far outweigh the disadvantages.
Overall
, I, convinced that we should
further
promote globalization and meanwhile the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to combat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
assimilation and sweat workshop.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar graph below shows the numbers of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia in the year 2003.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts