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The bar chart shows the highest qualification attained by sex for the working age population in Wales in 2001 2002Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant Write at least 150 words v.1

The bar chart shows the highest qualification attained by sex for the working age population in Wales in 2001 2002
Nowadays, designing suitable and appropriate school curricula has got immense priority, as the future of youngsters largely depends on this system. While some countries have adopted a comprehensive syllabus for their learners, others have focused on fewer subjects related to specific professions. Nevertheless, it appears to me that the former way of education is relatively more appropriate as they not only provide information about a wide range of issues but also contribute to their professional development. Educating diversified subjects to students is imperative for their comprehensive development. In other words, imparting vast subjects enable the holistic development of children, as this curricular allows students to enrich themselves with social, ethical, religious and technical values, skills and knowledge. For instance, while studying History can provide them with in-depth knowledge about their ancestors, customs, and glorious traditions, subjects like Math, Physics, and English may enable them to foster in their career. Furthermore, the well-rounded education system may allow pupils to make a better employment decision and to excel in their profession. The reason is that when they are exposed to a broad range of subjects, they can identify the major they are interested in, allowing them to make a better career decision. In addition, different subjects are intimately connected; knowledge about a range of diverse subjects may enable job holders to perform their jobs more effectively. For example, economists not only need an in-depth understanding of economics, but also should have an understanding of math for analysing equations, and history for trend analysis. In conclusion, a broad education system might be more effective than the confined system as it broadens the perspective of students and enables them to develop a successful career related to a particular profession in today's world, which system is appropriate.
Nowadays, designing suitable and appropriate school curricula has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
immense priority, as the future of youngsters
largely
depends on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries have adopted a comprehensive syllabus for their learners, others have focused on fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
related to specific professions.
Nevertheless
, it appears to me that the former way of education is
relatively
more appropriate as they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provide information about a wide range of issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
contribute to their professional development.

Educating diversified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to students is imperative for their comprehensive development.
In other words
, imparting vast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
the holistic development of children, as this curricular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
students to enrich themselves with social, ethical, religious and technical values,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.
For instance
, while studying History can provide them with in-depth knowledge about their ancestors, customs, and glorious traditions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like Math, Physics, and English may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
them to foster in their career.

Furthermore
, the well-rounded education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
pupils to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better employment decision and to excel in their profession. The reason is that when they
are exposed
to a broad range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, they can identify the major they
are interested
in, allowing them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better career decision.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
intimately
connected; knowledge about a range of diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enable
job holders to perform their jobs more
effectively
.
For example
, economists not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need an in-depth understanding of economics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
should have an understanding of math for
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
equations, and history for trend analysis.

In conclusion
, a broad education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
might be more effective than the confined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
as it broadens the perspective of students and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enables
them to develop a successful career related to a particular profession in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
is appropriate.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the highest qualification attained by sex for the working age population in Wales in 2001 2002

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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