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the charts show the percentage of enrolments on six courses at a local education college in the UK in 2010 and 2012 v.1

the charts show the percentage of enrolments on six courses at a local education college in the UK in 2010 and 2012 v. 1
In many nations, young people decide to move out once they graduate from school and share a rented place with friends. In my opinion, this has both benefits and drawbacks. Living by themselves helps young people to become more independent. First, they will learn the value of money management. As they are given money to pay for bills such as the rent, electricity bills, telephone fees and food. If they overspent on food they would not be able to pay for other bills. Second, they will learn how to manage time. Living on their own, in addition to study/work, playing and sleeping, young people have to do the cooking and washing themselves. If they overslept or overplayed, they would have to go without food or clean clothes. So they have to plan a timetable and follow it. However, young people usually feel lonely. When they finish a day of work/study, they often return to their house, with no loved ones to share the good news as well as problems. Second, they can easily play with the wrong friends and may become addicted to drugs and alcohol. If they do not manage money carefully/wisely, they will probably not have enough money to pay the rent, which may result in being evicted. Then they will probably need to borrow money. A big debt may push them into doing things illegally, for example, selling drugs. In conclusion, school leavers moving out of their parents’ house to start living on their own will possibly help them to become more independent. However, the drawbacks of this should not be overlooked.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out once they graduate from school and share a rented place with friends. In my opinion, this has both benefits and drawbacks.

Living by themselves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become more independent.
First
, they will learn the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management. As they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay for bills such as the rent, electricity bills, telephone fees and food. If they overspent on food they would not be able to pay for other bills. Second, they will learn how to manage time. Living on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
,
in addition
to study/work, playing and sleeping,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do the cooking and washing themselves. If they overslept or overplayed, they would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go without food or clean clothes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
plan a timetable and follow it.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
feel lonely. When they finish a day of work/study, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
return to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, with no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones to share the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
news
as well
as problems. Second, they can
easily
play with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
friends and may become addicted to drugs and alcohol. If they do not manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
carefully
/
wisely
, they will
probably
not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to pay the rent, which may result in
being evicted
. Then they will
probably
need to borrow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
debt may push them into doing things
illegally
,
for example
, selling drugs.

In conclusion
,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
moving out of their parents’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
will
possibly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to become more independent.
However
, the drawbacks of this should not
be overlooked
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the charts show the percentage of enrolments on six courses at a local education college in the UK in 2010 and 2012 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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