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Identify a day or moment in your life that was embarrassing to you and explain why it was embarrassing. Be sure to include specific examples in your response. v.1

Identify a day or moment in your life that was embarrassing to you and explain why it was embarrassing. Be sure to include specific examples in your response. v. 1
Whether or not children should act according to the parents will, has become a controversial issue. While it is often considered by many that it is their duty to follow the parents advice, others believe that they must be taught to take their decisions themselves. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in depth. I personally think that the major decisions of the life should be taken by the parents, whereas they should be allowed for minor ones. To begin with, a vast majority of people claim that the whole responsibility should be left to the parents and children must follow them at every step of life. Because according to them youngsters do not have a maturity to take significant decisions of life, which means mature individuals should take responsibility to lead them on the right path. For instance, when it comes to the selection of appropriate schools for their ward's parents must do this because they know what is right for them. In this way it becomes inevitable to respect what they tell the young ones to do. However, the opponents opine that childhood is that stage of life in which children gain understanding and thus they should be allowed to perform their tasks accordingly. Since due to this phenomenon they will become independent and responsible person, therefore to instill a feeling of responsibility it is necessary to let them work in their own way. To cite an example, children should learn how to organise their timetable pertaining to their studies. In short, such type of minor tasks should be done by the children. In conclusion, some individuals strongly believe that it is the onus on the children to respect the parents' perspectives, whereas another section of the society considers that they must learn to decide on their own. I think parents play a pivotal role in the young's life so they should be held responsible for important decisions.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should act according to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will, has become a controversial issue. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that it is their duty to follow the
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "parents'" or "parent's"?
parents
advice, others believe that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
to take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
themselves. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in depth. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
should
be taken
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, whereas they should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
for minor ones.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that the whole responsibility should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
follow them at every step of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
according to them youngsters do not have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "maturity".
a maturity
to take significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which means mature individuals should take responsibility to lead them on the right path.
For instance
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the selection of appropriate schools for their ward's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know what is right for them. In this way it becomes inevitable to respect what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
the young ones to do.

However
, the opponents opine that childhood is that stage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
gain understanding and
thus
they should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to perform their tasks
accordingly
. Since due to this phenomenon they will become independent and responsible person,
therefore
to instill a feeling of responsibility it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them work in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way. To cite an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn how to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
their timetable pertaining to their studies. In short, such type of minor tasks should
be done
by the children.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
strongly
believe that it is the onus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to respect the parents' perspectives, whereas another section of the society considers that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
learn to decide on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a pivotal role in the young's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should
be held
responsible for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Identify a day or moment in your life that was embarrassing to you and explain why it was embarrassing. Be sure to include specific examples in your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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