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The bar charts illustrate the alterations and differences in the average percentages of sodium, saturated fats and added sugars in typical meals consumed in the USA. v.1

The bar charts illustrate the alterations and differences in the average percentages of sodium, saturated fats and added sugars in typical meals consumed in the USA. v. 1
Post-metric education institutions in a part of the world focus on casual subjects, while in some countries the scope of secondary education is limited to enable the pupils think about their future career. However, both the approaches have their own benefits and drawbacks. I believe that the second approach is the best in the modern competitive world. To begin with, one of the advantages of teaching all the subjects at secondary level, is the development of a vast knowledge base. For example, the students learn all the general subjects like mathematics, economics, history, English and geography. Therefore, after completing their post-matriculation, they can enhance their knowledge on any subject, and can pursue it as a basis for their future employment. However, such a system proves fruitless for those who want to get an instant employment after completing their studies. In contrast, focussing on a particular or a few subjects at secondary level has its own benefits. Firstly, the students has to spare less time for the education, as the number of disciplines to study are lesser. As a result of this, they are left with more time to ponder about their career. Secondly, learning a few subjects makes pupils more specialised in those areas. This specialization prepares them to be facing a cutthroat competition of the present world. It has been proved in a research by “The Times” that the students, with a limited number of subjects at secondary level, are 72% more successful in getting jobs after completing their secondary education than those with many general subjects. To conclude, while learning many common subjects at secondary level, is advantageous in gaining an overall knowledge, an approach of teaching, with a few specialised subjects, is more suitable in these days, by the way of making the students more specialised.
Post-metric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
institutions in a part of the world focus on casual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, while in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries the scope of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is limited
to enable the pupils
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their future career.
However
, both the approaches have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits and drawbacks. I believe that the second approach is the best in the modern competitive world.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the advantages of teaching all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
, is the development of a vast knowledge base.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn all the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like mathematics, economics, history, English and geography.
Therefore
, after completing their post-matriculation, they can enhance their knowledge on any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, and can pursue it as a basis for their future employment.
However
, such a system proves fruitless for those who want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an instant employment after completing their studies.

In contrast
, focussing on a particular or a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
spare less time for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, as the number of disciplines to study are lesser.
As a result
of this, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with more time to ponder about their career.
Secondly
, learning a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
pupils more
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
in those areas. This specialization prepares them to be facing a cutthroat competition of the present world. It has
been proved
in
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
by “The Times” that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, with a limited number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
, are 72% more successful in getting jobs after completing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
than those with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
general subjects.

To conclude
, while learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
, is advantageous in gaining an
overall
knowledge, an approach of teaching, with a few
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, is more suitable in these days, by the way of making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
more
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay The bar charts illustrate the alterations and differences in the average percentages of sodium, saturated fats and added sugars in typical meals consumed in the USA. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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