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The bar charts below show the number of hours each teacher spent teaching in different schools in four different countries in 2001 v.2

The bar charts below show the number of hours each teacher spent teaching in different schools in four different countries in 2001 v. 2
Many grown ups rarely do exercise. Some individuals are of the opinion that a method of motivating adults is broadcasting sporting events on television, others think grown ups are better encouraged using other means. In my opinion, there are better methods to inspire adults to exercise more. This essay will examine these two views. One reason people feel that the broadcast of sports will inspire grown ups to exercise is because of idolization. Many individuals tend to idolize or admire others who are successful in their careers, and this includes sport celebrities. Beyond admiration, they want to behave like them and participate in activities these celebrities participate in. For instance, a fan who sees Ronaldo running a 400-meter race on the television might decide to do the same the next day. On the other hand, others, myself included, think there are better ways to inspire people to participate in exercises. One way is a worldwide campaign on the importance of exercising to increase the awareness. Many individuals are not encouraged to do exercises because they do not know the importance and, therefore, see it as a waste of time. Another way is by making gyms and fitting centres affordable. This is because some individuals would like to engage in some fitness activities, however, the cost are too enormous to afford. In conclusion, some people think that showing fitness event on the media will encourage people to exercise more, others feel that there are better means to do this. This essay examined these two sides.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
rarely do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are of the opinion that a method of motivating adults is broadcasting sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
on television, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
encouraged using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means. In my opinion, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
methods to inspire adults to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
more. This essay will examine these two views.

One reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that the broadcast of sports will inspire
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of idolization.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
tend to idolize or admire others who are successful in their careers, and this includes sport celebrities. Beyond admiration, they want to behave like them and participate in activities these celebrities participate in.
For instance
, a fan who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
Ronaldo running a 400-meter race on the television might decide to do the same the
next
day.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others, myself included,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
ways to inspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
. One way is a worldwide campaign on the importance of exercising to increase the awareness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are not encouraged to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not know the importance and,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it as a waste of time. Another way is by making gyms and fitting
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
affordable. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
would like to engage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fitness activities,
however
, the cost are too enormous to afford.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that showing fitness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
on the media will encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
more, others feel that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
means to do this. This essay examined these two sides.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay The bar charts below show the number of hours each teacher spent teaching in different schools in four different countries in 2001 v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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