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The bar chart shows the percentage of dependents in five different countries around the world in 2000 and 2050. v.1

The bar chart shows the percentage of dependents in five different countries around the world in 2000 and 2050. v. 1
Recently, online courses are offered by some universities all around the globe to allow distance learning for students. This development can only be seen as positive since it benefits countless students. Online courses are mainly beneficial to students who cannot attend their universities due to living somewhere far or being unhealthy. A lot of students who come from rural areas find it hard to adapt to city life where the university is situated, therefore they suffer from homesickness. By offering courses online, those students are not forced to move into the university’s campus and can study their courses comfortably in their homes. This leads to happier and less stressed students who can do well academically. Moreover, unhealthy students who suffer from diseases that force them to be bedridden or who stay in hospitals can greatly benefit from learning online. If courses were not available online, those individuals would not be able to obtain a university degree. On the other hand, nothing is compared to being taught by a teacher in a real classroom. Students who attend classes can engage in meaningful discussions and ask questions, which is impossible to do in online classes. Additionally, the academic environment of universities can encourage students to study efficiently and work harder. For example, when students mix with their peers, they can learn new things and brainstorm ideas. Furthermore, easy access to useful facilities in universities, such as libraries and research centres is undeniably beneficial to one’s academic progress. In conclusion, offering online courses is certainly a positive development, especially for unhealthy people as well as those who live in rural areas and want to study at a university. However, normal students who are able to go to universities should not use online courses as a substitute for university lectures.
Recently,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
are offered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
all around the globe to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
distance learning for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This development can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
since it benefits countless students.

Online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
are
mainly
beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
cannot attend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
due to living somewhere far or being unhealthy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from rural areas find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to adapt to city life where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is situated
,
therefore
they suffer from homesickness. By offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not forced to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university’s
campus and can study their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
comfortably
in their homes. This leads to happier and less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can do well
academically
.
Moreover
, unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffer from diseases that force them to be bedridden or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
stay in hospitals can
greatly
benefit from learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
were not available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, those individuals would not be able to obtain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
degree.

On the other hand
, nothing
is compared
to
being taught
by a teacher in a real classroom.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
attend classes can engage in meaningful discussions and ask questions, which is impossible to do in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
classes.
Additionally
, the academic environment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to study
efficiently
and work harder.
For example
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
mix with their peers, they can learn new things and brainstorm
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
Furthermore
, easy access to useful facilities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, such as libraries and research
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
is
undeniably
beneficial to one’s academic progress.

In conclusion
, offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
is
certainly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development,
especially
for unhealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as well
as those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in rural areas and want to study at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
However
, normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are able to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
as a substitute for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
lectures.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the percentage of dependents in five different countries around the world in 2000 and 2050. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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