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The bar chart showing the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruit and vegetables per day in uk from 2001 to 2008. v.1

The bar chart showing the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruit and vegetables per day in uk from 2001 to 2008. v. 1
Some people believe that an individual successful life is an outcome of his parents' principles, whereas, some people argue that it is a result of his own hard work and perseverance. However, I agree with this viewpoint that a person writes his own story with struggle, own wisdom and winning attitude without assistance of the parents' advice or counselling. To begin with, almost everything is achieved by hard work and determination. This attitude pushes a person towards his goal as well as various mistakes made him/her skilful, rational and innovative. For example, history has evidence of great personalities which did not have rich backgrounds, or without parents, become successful identities in different fields such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Hence, the parents' guidance is secondary whereas hard work of an individual with his own decisions is vitally important. Secondly, a kid who is pampered by guardians may not explore as much as a kid brought with full freedom can explore more and not worry from failures. The overprotective behaviour of their parents might not allow them to pursue his talent or hobby which he or she loves to perform. For instance, most of the singers and sports players are from poor backgrounds since different families train their children so that these professions do not match their standards. Thus, sometimes family principles or status would not allow a child to choose his own path. Overall, it seems advisable that parents' upbringing is not certainly imperative to achieve any goal. However, the undisputed attitude towards your target is the main factor of a successful career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that an individual successful life is an outcome of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents'
principles, whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that it is a result of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and perseverance.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint that a person writes his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
story with struggle,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
wisdom and winning attitude without assistance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents'
advice or counselling.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, almost everything
is achieved
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and determination. This attitude pushes a person towards his goal
as well
as various mistakes made him/her
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
, rational and innovative.
For example
, history has evidence of great personalities which did not have rich backgrounds, or without parents, become successful identities in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields such as Cristiano Ronaldo, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents'
guidance is secondary whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work of an individual with his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions is
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Secondly
, a kid who
is pampered
by guardians may not explore as much as a kid brought with full freedom can explore more and not worry from failures. The overprotective
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of their parents might not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to pursue his talent or hobby which he or she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
to perform.
For instance
, most of the singers and sports players are from poor backgrounds since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
families train their children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that these professions do not match their standards.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
family principles or status would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
a child to choose his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
path.

Overall
, it seems advisable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents'
upbringing is not
certainly
imperative to achieve any goal.
However
, the undisputed attitude towards your target is the main factor of a successful career.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart showing the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruit and vegetables per day in uk from 2001 to 2008. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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