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The bar chart shows the percentages of people, who ate five different parts fruit and vegetables as per day between 2001 to 2008 in United kingdom. v.1

The bar chart shows the percentages of people, who ate five different parts fruit and vegetables as per day between 2001 to 2008 in United kingdom. v. 1
It is a fact that parents play a crucial role in children's growth and development. Some people suggest that the close parenting supervision will benefit children's future life and careers; while, others believe that parents should provide chances for their children to make their own decisions. The essay will discuss both of these types of parents' views. To begin with, parents with the former view believe that their children will benefit their close disciplines. They will provide a safe living environments for them to thrive because in the current temporary era,  due to the advanced technology and the globalization, living environment for children's growth has been becoming complicated worldwide, especially in inner cities. For example, teenagers are able to easily assess a huge amount of contents via the internet or media around them. Some of  negative contents may make teenager readers incline toward bad habits, such as violence behaviours, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and so on. Therefore, proper guiding their children's reading will prevent them from this and make them stay on the right track. On the other hand, some parents believe that granting some freedoms for their children will enhance the development of their capacities. They believe that too many restrictions during daily activities, similar to living in a greenhouse, will provide comfortable living environments for their children, but will not assist them in executing their capacities to making any decisions. For instance, teenagers will have higher motivations in participating the activities they decide to joint and will be willing to accept the outcomes of their decisions. As a result, this kind of parenting style will assist children to nurture positive attitudes towards their future lives. In conclusion, both kinds of parents will have the above reasons respectively. Too strict parenting methods will limit the development of each child; while, too much freedom will also place the child into a risk to develop a bad habit. Therefore, I personally suggest that parents should combine these two views and provide a certain level of freedom for their children to make decision with proper supervisions.
It is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a crucial role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
growth and development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that the close parenting supervision will benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
future life and careers; while, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
chances for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
. The essay will discuss both of these types of parents' views.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
with the former view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that their children will benefit their close disciplines. They will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
a safe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "environment"?
environments
for them to thrive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
temporary era,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
due to the advanced technology and the globalization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
environment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
growth has been becoming complicated worldwide,
especially
in inner cities.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are able to
easily
assess a huge amount of contents via the internet or media around them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
contents may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
readers incline toward
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits, such as violence
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Therefore
, proper guiding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
reading will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from this and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them stay on the right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that granting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
freedoms for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will enhance the development of their capacities. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
 restrictions during daily activities, similar to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in a greenhouse, will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
environments for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
 will not assist them in executing their capacities to making any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
will have higher motivations in participating the activities they decide to joint and will be willing to accept the outcomes of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
As a result
, this kind of parenting style will assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to nurture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitudes towards their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, both kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will have the above reasons
respectively
. Too strict parenting methods will limit the development of each child; while, too much freedom will
also
place the child into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to develop a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit.
Therefore
, I
personally
suggest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should combine these two views and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
a certain level of freedom for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
with proper supervisions.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the percentages of people, who ate five different parts fruit and vegetables as per day between 2001 to 2008 in United kingdom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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