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The bar chart depicts regular physical activity done by Australian men and women of various age groups in 2010. v.1

The bar chart depicts regular physical activity done by Australian men and women of various age groups in 2010. v. 1
No doubt, how to motivate the students for better achievement is becoming an increasingly popular topic for discussion. These people consider to rewarding the students is an outstanding way to improve their performance rather than punishment. This essay will discuss why the reward system is entirely necessary in these days in contrast of smacking. To begin with, who are in the favour of punishment as compared to the reward have a valid reason behind it. They believe that the students will have a fear of them, if they neaten them, which will increase the chances of learning more. For example, some of the students are very naughty and they do not ready to memorise something without any fear or punishment, and at that time it will become necessary to teach them through punish them. This is the main favour which those people have who think that being punished the students is an effective way to teach them. However, to award the learners for their performance will increase the possibility of better achievement. When the students will awarded, then they might have feeling to get more rewards which will be a sign of another success. For instance, if a learner gets 70% marks in the midterm exam and the teacher gives a prize for that, then he/she will perform best in the final exams to get more prizes, and it will make him/her an intelligent student one day. However, punishment makes them lazy and they will accept being pushed rather than studied. To conclude, this essay argued why give reads to the students is more important in their success as compare to the punishment. In my opinion, I think the students are the future of the pride, so motivate them by rewarding is an absolutely desirable.
No doubt, how to motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for better achievement is becoming an
increasingly
popular topic for discussion. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider to rewarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is an outstanding way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
. This essay will discuss why the reward system is
entirely
necessary in these days
in contrast
of smacking.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, who are in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
as compared to the reward have a valid reason behind it. They believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have a fear of them, if they neaten them, which will increase the chances of learning more.
For example
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
naughty and
they do not ready to
Possible spelling mistake. 'memorise' is British English.
memorise
something without any fear or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
, and at that time it will become necessary to teach them through punish them. This is the main
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
which those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
being punished
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is an effective way to teach them.

However
, to award the learners for their performance will increase the possibility of better achievement. When the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will awarded, then they might have feeling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more rewards which will be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of another success.
For instance
, if a learner
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
70% marks in the midterm exam and the teacher gives a prize for that, then he/she will perform best in the final exams to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more prizes, and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him/her an intelligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
one day.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lazy and
they will accept
being pushed
rather
than studied.

To conclude
, this essay argued why give reads to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in their success as compare to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are the future of the pride,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
motivate them by rewarding is an
absolutely
desirable.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart depicts regular physical activity done by Australian men and women of various age groups in 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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