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The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australians men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australians men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
Having a healthy environment for living is possible by knowing threats. One of the challenging threat is the global warming. Although there are specific root causes behind this environmental concern, effective policies can be adopted to remedy the solution. There are two main reasons why global warming happens. Firstly, nowadays, most of the industries produce greenhouse gases containing environmentally-damaging ingredients. Take consuming petrol in the oil industry as an example; this incredibly exposed huge amount of carbon dioxide to the environment that is the main reason of global warming. Secondly, utilizing more fossil fuels in industry and fertilize in agriculture cause to use up extra mineral waters. Therefore, it would be cause to reduce the amount of water in the earth and result is desertification. So, there is no enough water to reduce the temperature of surface air and it causes global warming. There are, however some workable solution to decrease the threat of global warming. One step would be replace of old energies such as petrol with the renewable energies in manufacturing. A good illustration of this is employing of Solar-Cells produce clean energies, because this energy does not contain any harmful materials. Another viable alternative solution is produced with natural and organic products in farms and gardens. The less using fertilizers in agriculture, the more safe and healthy product accompany less producing greenhouse gases. To conclude, because of many reasons such as greenhouses and use up extra water global warming happens. Notwithstanding of the contributing factors, several methods can be applied as the solution by using clean energies and remove fertilize.
Having a healthy environment for living is possible by knowing threats. One of the challenging threat is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
warming
. Although there are specific root
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
behind this environmental concern, effective policies can
be adopted
to remedy the solution.

There are two main reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
warming
happens.
Firstly
, nowadays, most of the industries produce greenhouse gases containing
environmentally
-damaging ingredients. Take consuming petrol in the oil industry as an example; this
incredibly
exposed huge amount of carbon dioxide to the environment
that is
the main reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
warming
.
Secondly
, utilizing more fossil fuels in industry and fertilize in agriculture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
up extra mineral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waters
.
Therefore
, it would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
in the earth and result is desertification.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there is no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the temperature of surface air and it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
warming.

There are,
however
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
workable
solution to decrease the threat of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
warming
. One step would be
Consider using the past participle "replaced"?
replace
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energies
such as petrol with the renewable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energies
in manufacturing. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is employing of Solar-Cells produce clean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
does not contain any harmful materials. Another viable alternative solution
is produced
with natural and organic products in farms and gardens. The less using fertilizers in agriculture, the more safe and healthy product accompany less producing greenhouse gases.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons such as greenhouses and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
up extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
warming
happens. Notwithstanding of the contributing factors, several methods can
be applied
as the solution by using clean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energies
and remove fertilize.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australians men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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