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The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Write a report. v.1

The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Write a report. v. 1
Consuming excessive amount of sugar is detrimental to our health. Owing to this, arguments have arisen as to whose duty it is to regulate the level of sugar consumption, while some people believe that the obligation lies with the government, others believe that individuals are responsible for this. However, in my opinion, I believe humans play a major role. On the one hand, some people believe that the negative effect of excessive sugar intake impacts more on individuals and as such, they should be solely responsible for the sugar control and I agree. High sugar intake is often implicated in several diseases with the majority of the cases involving long-term or life long treatments. For this reason, people spend a great deal of money on a long term basis and may eventually get their social and mental well-being affected negatively. For instance, a recently published study by the Mayo clinic revealed that seventy-five percent of people suffering from depression have background sugar-related illnesses. To avoid this menace, people with this school of thought believe that individuals should solely reduce their sugar intake. On the other hand, other people are of the opinion that the government's ability to make effective policies makes them the best party to limit too much sugar intake. It is their view that the government can highly tax junk food like ice cream and burgers, which contain high levels of refined sugar. This would ultimately increase the cost of fast food and discourage people from patronizing them. Also, the government can organise awareness programs and regular advertisements highlighting the hazardous effect of excessive sugar consumption. This would go a long way in encouraging food industries to cut down on their sugar production. In conclusion, although the government is responsible for the lives of his citizens and hence should create awareness to regulate sugar intake, I believe that it is the sole responsibility of a person to control sugary substance intake because nobody knows the body of a person better than the individual himself.
Consuming excessive amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
is detrimental to our health. Owing to this, arguments have arisen as to whose duty it is to regulate the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the obligation lies with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are responsible for this.
However
, in my opinion, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
humans play a major role.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect of excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
impacts more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
and as such, they should be
solely
responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
control and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
implicated in several diseases with the majority of the cases involving long-term or life long treatments.
For this reason
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend a great deal of money on a long term basis and may
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their social and mental well-being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
.
For instance
, a recently published study by the Mayo clinic revealed that seventy-five percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffering from depression have background sugar-related illnesses. To avoid this menace,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with this school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should
solely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
intake.

On the other hand
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
effective policies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them the best party to limit too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
. It is their view that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can
highly
tax junk food like ice cream and burgers, which contain high levels of refined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
. This would
ultimately
increase the cost of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from patronizing them.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
awareness programs and regular advertisements highlighting the hazardous effect of excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption. This would go a long way in encouraging food industries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
production.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is responsible for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of his citizens and
hence
should create awareness to regulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is the sole responsibility of a person to control sugary substance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intake
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nobody knows the body of a person better than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
himself.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Write a report. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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