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The bar chart below shows the percentage ofo unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant. v.1

The bar chart below shows the percentage ofo unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period.
Some people opine that the school curriculum should give more importance to academic subjects like history or physics, while others argue that the emphasis should be on imparting practical skills. In my opinion, subjects such as science, mathematics and history prepare children for a brighter future and hence they should be given more importance. On the one hand, there is ample evidence to prove that children are interested in practical skills. To begin with, these skills may help them make a little amount of money to fulfil their small needs and wishes. Furthermore, learning practical skills such as cooking, or carpentry is fun because the output can be seen and appreciated almost instantly. For example, in a recent survey done by the sophomores of Florida University, 65% of parents of school going children admitted that their young kids enjoy learning practical skills more than academic subjects. However, learning academic subjects leads to better career prospects in future. On the other hand, during the past decade, job market surveys emphasized the importance of having professional skills. Firstly, scientists and technologists are paid far better than the people doing lower level jobs. In other words, this means that well educated people live more comfortable lives than those who lack it. Secondly, there is a huge demand for professionals in all fields in comparison to the saturated market of blue collar jobs and workers. It goes without saying that if children are encouraged to pursue academic subjects with more interest then they will witness a brighter future. To conclude, practical skills may interest children in their initial stage of life but to have better opportunities and happiness in life they will need to master academic subjects.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that the school curriculum should give more importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like history or physics, while others argue that the emphasis should be on imparting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as science, mathematics and history prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for a brighter future and
hence
they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more importance.

On the one hand, there is ample evidence to prove that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
amount of money to fulfil their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
needs and wishes.
Furthermore
, learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as cooking, or carpentry is fun
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the output can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
and appreciated almost
instantly
.
For example
, in a recent survey done by the sophomores of Florida University, 65% of parents of school going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
admitted that their young kids enjoy learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
However
, learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
leads to better career prospects
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

On the other hand
, during the past decade, job market surveys emphasized the importance of having professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Firstly
, scientists and technologists
are paid
far better than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
doing lower level jobs.
In other words
, this means that
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more comfortable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
than those who lack it.
Secondly
, there is a huge demand for professionals in all fields
in comparison
to the saturated market of blue collar jobs and workers. It goes without saying that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are encouraged
to pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
with more interest
Did you mean "than"?
then
they will witness a brighter future.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
may interest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in their initial stage of life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to have better opportunities and happiness in life they will need to master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage ofo unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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