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THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN MEN AND WOMEN IN DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS WHO DID REGULAR PHYSICAL ACITIVITY IN 2010 v.1

THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN MEN AND WOMEN IN DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS WHO DID REGULAR PHYSICAL ACITIVITY IN 2010 v. 1
Now a day’s in modern society, the photographic trend is becoming more popular. And most of the people start focusing on taking pictures and recording films through their cameras, instead of using writing stories and words. In this essay we will argue about the both elements, to what extent we are agreed of disagreeing. While, talking about the electronic media, specifically regarding photography and films making it more attractive and simple to represent anything a few minutes rather than writing hundreds of words. For example, running in a tourism company and you wanted to share some tourism stories about your trips. So indeed, it’s quite better and easy to represent your company profile base on photograph album or in small videos. Other than this, we can record our memories in different events in our routine life. As well as its obviously beneficial to represent a company portfolio and profiles in the form or photograph presentation. However, a few decades ago the wiring was a very popular traditional way to express the stories and communication. Although it’s still associated with us, and cannot be ignored’ because now a days it’s significantly important in corporate sectors. In my opinion, somehow’ I am agreeing and disagreed as well, because its seamlessly based on topic. Firstly, it depends on the situation and type of communication. Secondly, if we are representing some stories, event, then I would say photography and films and more attractive and better way to adopt. Other than entertainment field, in the corporate sectors and in offices, I won’t be agree to use photographs and films in daily routine communication between different departments.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
a day’s in modern society, the photographic trend is becoming more popular. And most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
focusing on taking pictures and recording films through their cameras,
instead
of using writing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
and words. In this essay we will argue about the both elements, to what extent we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
of disagreeing.

While, talking about the electronic media,
specifically
regarding photography and films making it more attractive and simple to represent anything a few minutes
rather
than writing hundreds of words.
For example
, running in a tourism
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and you wanted to share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tourism
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
about your trips.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
indeed
, it’s quite better and easy to represent your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
profile base on photograph album or in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
videos.

Other than this, we can record our memories in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in our routine life.
As well
as
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
obviously
beneficial to represent a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
portfolio and profiles in the form or photograph presentation.
However
, a few decades ago the wiring was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular traditional way to express the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
and communication. Although it’s
still
associated with us, and cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
’
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "nowadays"?
now a days
it’s
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in corporate sectors.

In my opinion, somehow’ I
The verb 'agreeing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
am agreeing
and disagreed
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
its
seamlessly
based on topic.
Firstly
, it depends on the situation and type of communication.
Secondly
, if we are representing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stories
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, then I would say photography and films and more attractive and better way to adopt. Other than entertainment field, in the corporate sectors and in offices, I won’t be
Consider using a past participle here: "agreed".
agree
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
photographs and films in daily routine communication between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
departments.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN MEN AND WOMEN IN DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS WHO DID REGULAR PHYSICAL ACITIVITY IN 2010 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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