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Public money should be spent on treating illnesses rather than promoting healthy life style. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Public money should be spent on treating illnesses rather than promoting healthy life style. v. 1
In recent decades, many researchers have studied the importance of group-level cognition. Indeed, to my mind, there is now convincing evidence that group activities improve the intelligence of individuals. In this essay, I shall examine how research in team-games and study-groups supports this view. To begin with, team-games clearly require individuals to perform a diverse range of rapid mental calculations. This is because, in a sporting context, players must predict and anticipate possible actions within tight time constraints. For example, a recent Cambridge study showed that soccer players can – within the span of seconds – calculate over a dozen different permutations that could result from a single soccer related action. Such predictive powers clearly improve players’ mental abilities and result from activities performed in a group context. Secondly, study-groups enable individuals to obtain information that they could not acquire in isolation. This is because peer feedback allows individuals to refine their understanding of concepts and to also learn new information from other members in the study-group. For example, a study by The British Institute for Learning found that, if individuals participated in study-groups, they had a far more objective and sophisticated understanding of a topic than learners who were not part of study-groups. Therefore, it is certainly the case that learning in a group improves an individual’s mental abilities. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the notion that group activities improve intellectual abilities. In the future, we will certainly see schools take greater measures to ensure that more group-level cognition occurs in the classroom. In recent decades, many researchers have studied the importance of group-level cognition. Indeed, to my mind, there is now convincing evidence that group activities improve the intelligence of individuals. In this essay, I shall examine how research in team-games and study-groups supports this view.
In recent decades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researchers have studied the importance of group-level cognition.
Indeed
, to my mind, there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
convincing evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
the intelligence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. In this essay, I shall examine how research in team-games and study-groups supports this view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, team-games
clearly
require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to perform a diverse range of rapid mental calculations. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in a sporting context, players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
predict and anticipate possible actions within tight time constraints.
For example
, a recent Cambridge study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that soccer players can
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
within the span of seconds
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
calculate over a dozen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
permutations that could result from a single soccer related action. Such predictive powers
clearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
players’ mental abilities and result from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
performed in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
context.

Secondly
, study-groups enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to obtain information that they could not acquire in isolation. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
peer feedback
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to refine their understanding of concepts and to
also
learn new information from other members in the study-group.
For example
, a study by The British Institute for Learning
This verb is used with the infinitive: "to find", "to found"
found
that, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
participated in study-groups, they had a far more objective and sophisticated understanding of a topic than learners who were not part of study-groups.
Therefore
, it is
certainly
the case that learning in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual’s
mental abilities.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
intellectual abilities. In the future, we will
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
schools take greater measures to ensure that more group-level cognition occurs in the classroom.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
recent decades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researchers have studied the importance of group-level cognition.
Indeed
, to my mind, there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
convincing evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
the intelligence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. In this essay, I shall examine how research in team-games and study-groups supports this view.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Public money should be spent on treating illnesses rather than promoting healthy life style. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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