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Some people say modern children's games do not develop a wide range of skills, while traditional games can be much better for developing such skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say modern children's games do not develop a wide range of skills, while traditional games can be much better for developing such skills. v. 1
Education in general is very important for everyone. Picking a new knowledge from the university or industrial skills, from a certification or practical work, has different followers in a today world. Firstly, this essay will argue that soft skills should be valued same as academic learning, if that brings a business value. Secondly, it will look on which level accedes and differ with the teases. There are groups of people who are thinking that academic learning is more beneficial than any other. This is especially visible when people apply for the job in the more famous company. A candidates who are coming from a better university and with a higher score will get a job easier than others. I can agree, if you are young and without any experience, then only relevant measurement is a quality of the university and your diploma. On the other side, supporting and motivating constant learning and increasing soft skills, could be better if not the same as an academic one. This can be easily linked with workers who have a many years of an experience. These workers can own a degree, but after some period they need to adapt more knowledge, caused by a rapid technology change. Although, passive learning and motivated learner can do more than other who are expecting to get only new inputs from the institutions. Alternatively need to encourage the constant learning approach and I agree that any knowledge to be valued equally no matter where is taken. To conclude, modern world changing rapidly, even though expecting education system to do on same way. Getting a new skill, needs every possible support without judging their source. Therefore, I totally agree that we need to support learning more soft skills and also remove old beliefs that only academic education is relevant and enough.
Education
in general
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for everyone. Picking
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "new knowledge".
a new knowledge
from the university or industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, from a certification or practical work, has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
followers in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
world.
Firstly
, this essay will argue that soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
should
be valued
same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
, if that brings a business value.
Secondly
, it will look on which level accedes and differ with the teases.

There are groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are thinking that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
is more beneficial than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. This is
especially
visible when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
apply for the job in the more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "A candidate" or simply "candidates"?
A candidates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are coming from a better university and with a higher score will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job easier than others. I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
, if you are young and without any experience, then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relevant measurement is a quality of the university and your diploma.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side, supporting and motivating constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and increasing soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, could be better if not the same as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
one. This can be
easily
linked with workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years of an experience. These workers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a degree,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
period they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to adapt more knowledge, caused by a rapid technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. Although, passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
and motivated learner can do more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are expecting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
new inputs from the institutions.
Alternatively
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to encourage the constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
approach and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that any knowledge to
be valued
equally
no matter where
is taken
.

To conclude
, modern world changing
rapidly
,
even though
expecting education system to do on same way. Getting a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
every possible support without judging their source.
Therefore
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
more soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
also
remove
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
beliefs that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
education is relevant and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say modern children's games do not develop a wide range of skills, while traditional games can be much better for developing such skills. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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