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The bar chart below shows a survey of young professionals aged 20-30 who were asked which factors motivated to succeed v.1

The bar chart below shows a survey of young professionals aged 20-30 who were asked which factors motivated to succeed v. 1
The issue of overweight in children can be resolved by ensuring that the period spend on exercising and other recreation activities is increased. One of the major ways to tackle this issue among children in my opinion is through regular exercising and in this essay, I will be giving my tangible opinion as to why it is important for educational institutions to give a more period for exercising. Firstly, the problem of overweight increase is becoming alarming in recently and a great concern to parents and one of the smartest ways to reduce it in children is through regular exercise and engage in other sport activities. As it is know that exercising the body helps in ensuring that excessive fat in the system is reduced. If school students are given more period to jog around the school first thing in the morning before resuming to class, this will in a great way help to reduce overweight. In addition, as it is known that good sport and regular exercising, results in the healthy body system. Let's take for example the body structure of most sportsmen and women, it is hard to find a person among them who is overweight, which is as a result of their regular exercising. This is a clear illustration that exercising and engage in sport activities will go a long way in helping school children to reduce weight adding. So therefore, schools are encouraged to provide more time for pupils to participate in sporting programs and regular exercising. Another best way in dealing with the problem of excessive weight adding in children is by ensuring that children are not allowed to consume too much of fatty foods as this can can over time result to adding of weight. Children should also be encouraged to eat only when hungry and also the time children spend sitting in watching TV should be reduced. In conclusion, parents should be a role model for their children by engaging in active activities that children will see and also encourage a healthy eating lifestyle.
The issue of overweight in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be resolved
by ensuring that the period spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
and other recreation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is increased
. One of the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to tackle this issue among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in my opinion is through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
and in this essay, I will be giving my tangible opinion as to why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for educational institutions to give a more period for exercising.

Firstly
, the problem of overweight increase is becoming alarming in recently and a great concern to parents and one of the smartest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
it in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
exercise and engage in other sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
it is know that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
the body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in ensuring that excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in the system is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more period to jog around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
first
thing in the morning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
resuming to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, this will in a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
overweight.

In addition
, as it
is known
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sport and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
, results in the healthy body system.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's take
for example
the body structure of most sportsmen and women, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find a person among them who is overweight, which is
as a result
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
. This is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
illustration that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercising
and engage in sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will go a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
in helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
weight adding.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are encouraged
to provide more time for pupils to participate in sporting programs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
exercising.

Another best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
in dealing with the problem of excessive weight adding in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is by ensuring that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to consume too much of fatty foods as this can can over time result to adding of weight.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should
also
be encouraged
to eat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when hungry and
also
the time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend sitting in watching TV should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

In conclusion
, parents should be a role model for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by engaging in active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and
also
encourage a healthy eating lifestyle.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows a survey of young professionals aged 20-30 who were asked which factors motivated to succeed v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
341 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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