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In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These dáy, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What massage does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? v.1

In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These dáy, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What massage does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? v. 1
Several decades ago, the aim’s athletes were to win a competition and to break the new world records. Nowadays, it seems to have changed, since many young sports persons consider it as the opportunity to become a celebrity or to earn more money. This practice causes lots of harmful impacts. This following essay will discuss about how effect to the young generation in general and the athletics in particular. Basically, professional players are highly paid these days. The condition has led them a luxurious or glamorous lifestyle, and many of them are married to a famous actress or a supermodel, which make generations misunderstandings of its basic competitions. Sport leagues are becoming commercialised as they need the money to pay these athletes. This perspective toward sport could have a bad impact on it. Subsequently, young people will find it as a tool to make a living on it, not to benefit from the emotional gain that sports offers. Furthermore, the athletics players with the materialistic mindset would find ways to cheat or to attract attention from the public, instead of putting real efforts into practicing and trying to win. The core values of sports, which are fair-play and genuine passion would be undermined and neglected. Many games are showing more of an individual attraction rather than a solid teamwork. All in all, prize money and fame are huge motivations for athletes. However, concentrating too much on them makes the sport players lose focus on training. If they can combine the encouragement with their practice approximately, success will come to them
Several decades ago, the aim’s athletes were to win a competition and to break the new world records. Nowadays, it seems to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons consider it as the opportunity to become a celebrity or to earn more money. This practice causes lots of harmful impacts. This following essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss how"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about how
effect to the young generation
in general
and the athletics
in particular
.

Basically
, professional players are
highly
paid these days. The condition has led them a luxurious or glamorous lifestyle, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
are married
to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actress or a supermodel, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
generations misunderstandings of its basic competitions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
leagues are becoming
Possible spelling mistake. 'commercialised' is British English.
commercialised
as they need the money to pay these athletes. This perspective toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
could have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on it.
Subsequently
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will find it as a tool to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living on it, not to benefit from the emotional gain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
offers.

Furthermore
, the athletics players with the materialistic mindset would find ways to cheat or to attract attention from the public,
instead
of putting real efforts into practicing and trying to win. The core values of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
-play and genuine passion would
be undermined
and neglected.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
games are showing more of an individual attraction
rather
than a solid teamwork.

All in all, prize money and fame are huge motivations for athletes.
However
, concentrating too much on them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
players lose focus on training. If they can combine the encouragement with their practice approximately, success will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
them
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These dáy, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What massage does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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