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The bar chart shows the results of a survey in which people in Europe and the USA were asked they consider to be the most important factor in the success of a business v.1

The bar chart shows the results of a survey in which people in Europe and the USA were asked they consider to be the most important factor in the success of a business v. 1
There is no doubt that the majority of the people spend a huge part of their adult life working, and that work contentment is an important component of happiness. This essay will discuss firstly, some factors that influence career fulfilment and secondly, analyse the expectation of satisfaction for all employees. One of the major factors that lead to work satisfaction is higher wages. This is because people will feel satisfied when they know that they are earning a salary that is equivalent to the type of task they are doing, most especially when the task is very demanding. For example, doctors, who work day and night and receiving higher wages may generally feel contented with their duties. However, if the pay of these doctors is much lower, then there could be no satisfaction. As a result, this will in turn affect their performance. Furthermore, another factor that leads to a fulfilling task is the working environment. The reason for this is because a suitable atmosphere will make employees performs their duties more efficiently. For instance, the result of a survey carried out by the Federal Ministry of Labour and Productivity in Nigeria (2012) show that workers reported an increase in output when working in suitable conditions compared to those who reported a decrease in fulfilment due to unhealthy working environment. However, expectation of achievement for all employees is not feasible. This is because most workers often expect very high returns with regards to their jobs they think is satisfying. As a consequence when these expectations are not met, they begin to feel disappointed in most cases. To illustrate my point, a staff who feels he or she deserved to be promoted after three years of working, but end up not getting the promotion may feel disappointed even though he or she earned the position. In contrast, if he or she gets the promotion, hence he or she may feel satisfied. In conclusion, higher pay and working surroundings are key elements that determines whether or not an individual will be satisfied with his or her role, and that even though expectations are often high, they are not often realized while working.
There is no doubt that the majority of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend a huge part of their adult life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, and that work contentment is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
component of happiness. This essay will discuss
firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors that influence career
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
and
secondly
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expectation
of satisfaction for all employees.

One of the major factors that lead to work satisfaction is higher wages. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
satisfied when they know that they are earning a salary
that is
equivalent to the type of task they are doing, most
especially
when the task is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
demanding.
For example
, doctors, who work day and night and receiving higher wages may
generally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
contented with their duties.
However
, if the pay of these doctors is much lower, then there could be no satisfaction.
As a result
, this will in turn affect their performance.
Furthermore
, another factor that leads to a fulfilling task is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
environment.
The reason for this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a suitable atmosphere will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
employees performs their duties more
efficiently
.
For instance
, the result of a survey carried out by the Federal Ministry of
Possible spelling mistake. 'Labour' is British English.
Labour
and Productivity in Nigeria (2012)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that workers reported an increase in output when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in suitable conditions compared to those who reported a decrease in
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
due to unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
environment.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expectation
of achievement for all employees is not feasible. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high returns
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
their jobs they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
is satisfying. As a consequence when these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expectations
are not met, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
disappointed
in most cases
. To illustrate my point, a staff who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feels
he or she deserved to
be promoted
after three years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up not getting the promotion may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
disappointed
even though
he or she earned the position.
In contrast
, if he or she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
the promotion,
hence
he or she may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
satisfied.

In conclusion
, higher pay and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
surroundings are key elements that determines
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
an individual will
be satisfied
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
role, and that
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expectations
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
high, they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
realized while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the results of a survey in which people in Europe and the USA were asked they consider to be the most important factor in the success of a business v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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