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The bar chart below gives information about the amount of tax that various and cultural organizations were required to pay last year v.1

The bar chart below gives information about the amount of tax that various and cultural organizations were required to pay last year v. 1
Nowadays, the question of whether student from 6 to 10 years should be studied a second language or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention. While I accept that foreign languages play an integral part in decent education system, I believe that studying other languages at primary school bring more advantages than drawbacks. On the one hand, there is a wide range of disadvantages for this assumption. The first drawback is that the period of 6 to 10 years, which is time student continue fulfilling their mother language, so if they have to live in a bilingual environment, pupils are able to suffer from language disorders and cannot express their notion clearly. In fact, a huge of children over the world were dealing with problems in permanence, and it has a harmful impact on children’s cognitive development. Furthermore, primary school teachers, especially in rural areas, normally cover all subjects, so expected learning outcome not guaranteed well. In addition, the requirement of qualification is not suitable. In Vietnam, for example, people only have B1 certificate can apply to become a language teacher. This may lead to short of knowledge or experience to teach children and make serious consequences as mispronunciation and misunderstand nature, which is extremely hard to modify at the mature age. On the other hand, I believe that it is better if children studied other languages at primary school. Firstly, at early stages of life, children are likely to study other languages as their instinct. Pupils, therefore, can imitate accents and rhythm without the berries or nervous. The sensitive ears help them pick up and duplicate tricky sounds that adult or adolescents often stumble over. Secondly, by learning foreign languages children can have countless opportunities to explore other culture and enrich their knowledge or even that is a positive factor help increase their intelligence quotient. To cite an example, according to studies published in Nature Journal, pupils learning second languages early are able to tackle complex situations faster and better than peers who study languages latter. In conclusion, I would argue that the benefits of studying a foreign language at primary school outweigh the disadvantages.
Nowadays,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
student from 6 to 10 years should
be studied
a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
or not has been receiving a great deal of public attention. While I accept that foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
play an integral part in decent education system, I believe that studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
bring more advantages than drawbacks.

On the one hand, there is a wide range of disadvantages for this assumption. The
first
drawback is that the period of 6 to 10 years, which is time student continue fulfilling their mother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a bilingual environment, pupils are able to suffer from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
disorders and cannot express their notion
clearly
. In fact,
The phrase 'a huge of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a huge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
over the world were dealing with problems in permanence, and it has a harmful impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
cognitive development.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teachers,
especially
in rural areas,
normally
cover all subjects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
learning outcome not guaranteed well.
In addition
, the requirement of qualification is not suitable. In Vietnam,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have B1 certificate can apply to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
teacher. This may lead to short of knowledge or experience to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
serious consequences as mispronunciation and misunderstand nature, which is
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to modify at the mature age.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I believe that it is better if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
studied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Firstly
, at early stages of life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are likely to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
as their instinct. Pupils,
therefore
, can imitate accents and rhythm without the berries or nervous. The sensitive ears
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them pick up and duplicate tricky sounds that adult or adolescents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
stumble over.
Secondly
, by learning foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have countless opportunities to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
culture and enrich their knowledge or even
that is
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
factor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
increase their intelligence quotient. To cite an example, according to studies published in Nature Journal, pupils learning second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
early are able to tackle complex situations faster and better than peers who study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
latter.

In conclusion
, I would argue that the benefits of studying a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
outweigh the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below gives information about the amount of tax that various and cultural organizations were required to pay last year v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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