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Nowadays children play computer games for long hours. They do not play old traditional games. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think it influences children in a good or bad way? v.1

Nowadays children play computer games for long hours. They do not play old traditional games. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think it influences children in a good or bad way? v. 1
Technology is influencing all the areas of life and entertainment is not an exception. Today's children are always found busy playing games on computers, which is not a very positive development. There are certain factors that prompt children to play these games. First, computer games are rich in graphics and have excellent background music. Thus, they are visually more appealing and more entertaining as well. Secondly, the lifelike graphical presentation on screen helps children in having a real life feeling when they play games. Finally, most parents nowadays are working and thus, they avoid sending their children to playgrounds because they think children are not safe if they spend too much time away from home. Therefor, parents keep motivating their children to engage in some gaming activities at home. This development affects the physical and mental health of children. Let's consider the health problems first. Children spend too much time sitting at the gaming console. This can create potential problems in their back muscles and eyes. Furthermore, most children also eat junk food while playing games and their eating patterns become erratic and they often become victims of indigestion. In a consequence, this can lead to problems of obesity and over-weight. In addition, now lets analyse mental implications. Playing computer games over a long period of time hinders psychological development of children. What is more, some games may contain explicit or violent content which can cause psychotic disorders in their tender times. Finally, playing a game alone also inhibits social interaction, which can result in lack of relevant skills in them. Conclusively, even though, the condition often obliges parents to permit their children to play games on screen. I firmly believe that excessive exposure to computer games is indeed harmful for children.
Technology is influencing all the areas of life and entertainment is not an exception.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are always found busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computers, which is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.

There are certain factors that prompt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
First
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are rich in graphics and have excellent background music.
Thus
, they are
visually
more appealing and more entertaining
as well
.
Secondly
, the lifelike graphical presentation on screen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in having a real life feeling when they play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Finally
, most parents nowadays are working and
thus
, they avoid sending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to playgrounds
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not safe if they spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
away from home. Therefor, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
motivating their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to engage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gaming activities at home.

This development affects the physical and mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's consider the health problems
first
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
sitting at the gaming console. This can create potential problems in their back muscles and eyes.
Furthermore
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
eat junk food while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and their eating patterns become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
erratic and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
become victims of indigestion. In a consequence, this can lead to problems of obesity and over-weight.

In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
Did you mean "let's" (let's = let us; lets = 3rd person singular of 'let')?
lets
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
mental implications.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
over a long period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
hinders psychological development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
What is more
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
may contain explicit or violent content which can cause psychotic disorders in their tender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game alone
also
inhibits social interaction, which can result in lack of relevant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in them.

Conclusively
,
even though
, the condition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
obliges parents to permit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on screen. I
firmly
believe that excessive exposure to computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
indeed
harmful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays children play computer games for long hours. They do not play old traditional games. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think it influences children in a good or bad way? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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