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The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent you agree or disagree? v.3

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. v. 3
Since entertainments such as video games have first been introduced to the public, people believe that this has a negative impact on individuals and society. In my opinion, I completely agree with this for two main reasons. First, it would cause people to reduce daily interaction with others and second, it increases the rate of juvenile crime. The availability of such entertainments as video games is damaging because of the effect of reduced human interaction. Individuals, who spend a relatively amount of time on computer games, could forgo constant stimulation and hustle and bustle of a speaking group, which can be gained by actively talking to friends or family members. For example, the youth nowadays prefer making friends and chatting on a virtual world rather than participating in face-to-face conversation. In the long-term, their lifestyles and behaviours could be adversely affected, leaving them isolated, alienated, and inactive. Apart from the reason expressed above, I believe that it also takes its toll on the increased criminal commitment towards the young generation. Most video games nowadays allow people to become their preferred characters while playing. For example, Pay Day is a video game, allowing players to perform a bank robbery with guns and violence to accomplish their goals. However, if players, especially those who are at an early age, exposure to this on a daily basis, they are likely to perform illegal activities such as bank robberies in real life. Thus, the increased rate of criminal commitment among young people can be widely witnessed. In conclusion, the issue with regard to the question of whether video game entertainment has a negative impact on individuals and society varies among people. I believe that the mentioned consequences including reduced human interaction and the increasing rate of crime are detrimental.
Since entertainments such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
first
been introduced
to the public,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that this has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on individuals and society. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this for two main reasons.
First
, it would cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
daily interaction with others and second, it increases the rate of juvenile crime.

The availability of such entertainments as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is damaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the effect of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
human interaction. Individuals, who spend a
You used an adverb ('relatively') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('amount') instead of another adjective.
relatively amount
of time on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, could forgo constant stimulation and hustle and bustle of a speaking group, which can
be gained
by
actively
talking to friends or family members.
For example
, the youth nowadays prefer making friends and chatting on a virtual world
rather
than participating in face-to-face conversation. In the long-term, their lifestyles and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
could be
adversely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
, leaving them isolated, alienated, and inactive.

Apart from the reason expressed above, I believe that it
also
takes its toll on the increased criminal commitment towards the young generation. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become their preferred characters while playing.
For example
, Pay Day is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game, allowing players to perform a bank robbery with guns and violence to accomplish their goals.
However
, if players,
especially
those who are at an early age, exposure to this on a daily basis, they are likely to perform illegal activities such as bank robberies in real life.
Thus
, the increased rate of criminal commitment among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
widely
witnessed.

In conclusion
, the issue with regard to
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game entertainment has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on individuals and society varies among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I believe that the mentioned
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "including". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences including
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
human interaction and the increasing rate of crime are detrimental.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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