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Task 2: The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree? v.1

Task 2: The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. v. 1
The issue of childhood vaccination has gained a lot of attention in the last few years with the increasing voices advocating against it. The question of, whether or not parents should be able to choose to vaccinate their children or whether, it should be compulsory is a complex one. This essay will argue that despite the importance of individual choice, immunisation should be enforced for the greater benefit of society. Firstly, positive effects of vaccination can be seen in all countries, where it was made compulsory. It is because of mandatory vaccination that in these countries, such as England, Australia, and the United States for example, disease like polio and smallpox has been eradicated completely. If parents did not choose to vaccinate their children, these societies would still be afflicted by these diseases. So in the long run, immunising children save lives because it controls the spread of preventable diseases and protect the population. Despite of the above, some people argue that it is an unfair do vaccinate children because they are not old enough to make choices for themselves and it is an infringement of their human rights. However, it is the role of parents to make decisions related to their children's health. Most of vaccines must be administrated in the childhood before, it is too late. Once a disease takes hold and spreads, it could lead to an epidemic in society and this would be national or even global health disaster. Therefore, the parents should be obligated to immunise their children. To conclude, although I believe people should have wills and choice, when it comes to the issue of immunising children, evidence has shown that it is the best way to prevent the spread of disease and save lives. Ultimately, enforcing immunisation is a greater overall decision for hummanity
The issue of childhood vaccination has gained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
attention in the last few years with the increasing voices advocating against it. The question of,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be able to choose to vaccinate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or whether, it should be compulsory is a complex one. This essay will argue that despite the importance of individual choice,
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunisation' is British English.
immunisation
should
be enforced
for the greater benefit of society.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of vaccination can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in all countries, where it
was made
compulsory. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mandatory vaccination that in these countries, such as England, Australia, and the United States
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
like polio and smallpox has
been eradicated
completely. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
did not choose to vaccinate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, these societies would
still
be afflicted
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in the long run,
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunising' is British English.
immunising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it controls the spread of preventable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
and protect the population.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
the above,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that it is an unfair do vaccinate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
choices for themselves and it is an infringement of their human rights.
However
, it is the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions related to their children's health.
After 'Most of', you should use 'the' ("Most of the vaccines") or simply say "Most vaccines".
Most of vaccines
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be administrated
in the childhood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, it is too late. Once a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
takes hold and spreads, it could lead to an epidemic in society and this would be national or even global health disaster.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
be obligated
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunise' is British English.
immunise
their children.

To conclude
, although I believe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should have wills and choice, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the issue of
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunising' is British English.
immunising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, evidence has shown that it is the best way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the spread of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
and save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Ultimately
, enforcing
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunisation' is British English.
immunisation
is a greater
overall
decision for
Possible spelling mistake found.
hummanity
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Task 2: The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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