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The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree? v.2

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. v. 2
The increasing popularity of entertainment on portable devices is believed to have a negative effect on individuals and society. In my opinion, I think this development has both benefits and drawbacks. To begin with, the availability of entertainment on handheld devices is advantageous in many ways. From an individual perspective, video games and other types of entertainment serve as excellent relaxation tools for people who suffer from high levels of work-related stress. These convenient sources of entertainment allow people to distress whenever they want, either during breaks or after a long day at work, without having any impact on their productivity. Also, many mobile games help to create global communities for people sharing the same interests. For example, PUBG mobile has successfully hosted international events and competitions, and thus connected millions of players together from all around the world. As beneficial as it may be, entertainment on handheld devices can bring about several negative impacts. Since video games are addictive, many young people these days spend too much time on their devices, and therefore isolate themselves from their families and friends. This lack of face-to-face interaction not only hurts many real-life relationships, but also increases the risk of mental health issues among the youth. In addition, when people waste large amounts of time on video games, they tend to be less physically active, which can eventually lead to a society of people leading sedentary lifestyles. Lack of exercise over a long period of time makes people vulnerable to metabolic diseases such as obesity, causing the deterioration of health and burdening a country’s health care system. In conclusion, although the accessibility of entertainment on portable devices can result in many health risks, they can also be effective stress relievers for many people, and encourage the networking of like-minded individuals across the globe.
The increasing popularity of entertainment on portable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
is believed
to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on individuals and society. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this development has both benefits and drawbacks.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the availability of entertainment on handheld
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
is advantageous in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. From an individual perspective, video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and other types of entertainment serve as excellent relaxation tools for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suffer from high levels of work-related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. These convenient sources of entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to distress whenever they want, either during breaks or after a long day at work, without having any impact on their productivity.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to create global communities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
sharing the same interests.
For example
, PUBG mobile has
successfully
hosted international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and competitions, and
thus
connected millions of players together from all around the world.

As beneficial as it may be, entertainment on handheld
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can bring about several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts. Since video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are addictive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days spend too much time on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, and
therefore
isolate themselves from their families and friends. This lack of face-to-face interaction not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hurts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
real-life relationships,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
increases the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues among the youth.
In addition
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
waste large amounts of time on video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they tend to be less
physically
active, which can
eventually
lead to a society of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
leading sedentary lifestyles. Lack of exercise over a long period of time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
vulnerable to metabolic diseases such as obesity, causing the deterioration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and burdening a country’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system.

In conclusion
, although the accessibility of entertainment on portable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
, they can
also
be effective
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
relievers for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and encourage the networking of like-minded individuals across the globe.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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