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The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree? v.1

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. v. 1
Today’s world has witnessed the dramatic period of growth of numerous types of entertainment on handheld appliances. While many people this phenomenon can bring about several negative impacts on individuals and the whole society, I tend toward the opinion that it can be advantageous to some extent. On the one hand, there are 2 main reasons why it is believed that entertainment available on handheld devices can have deleterious effects. The first one is that types of recreational facilities such as video games can make people, especially the children, get several seriously physical and neurological disorders. For instance, if an individual glues on the phone screen for a long time without going out for any social activities, he may suffer from obesity, short-sightedness or even depression, which are not only the reason of health deterioration but can prevent him from accessing to certain potential occupation in the future. The second reason worth being mentioned is that a large number of people can easily be negatively affected by illegal types of games that are distributed uncontrollably on the Internet. To be more specific, various counter-educational kinds of entertainment such as violent or sexual games may lead people to improper and unlawful behaviors. This can be considered the primary cause of the increase of adverse criminal cases such as robbery or sexual assault, which can damnify social safety and national security. On the other hand, I side with the opinion that the availability of recreational facilities can be the great contributors to the development of individuals and society. Firstly, up-to-date technological games can direct users to positive values. To elaborate, in the past, people used to play traditional games which require little brainstorming efforts. However, nowadays, technological devices such as smart phone have allowed games to be more complicated, requiring an advanced combination of knowledge, skills and creativity to generate an appropriate and effective playing strategies. Thus, modern games on handheld devices have transformed into a valuable tool that raise people's mind to be more creative and sophisticated. Secondly, the new entertainment industry based on technology games will have more opportunities to develop. As a result, it can contribute various undeniable value to the society such as taxes, which can help the government invest for updating public infrastructure and services to raise their citizen's living standard. In conclusion, although it is argued that types of entertainment on handheld devices can be disadvantageous, I strongly opine that they can be have positive impacts of each individual and the development of the whole society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s world has witnessed the dramatic period of growth of numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of entertainment on handheld appliances. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
this phenomenon can bring about several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
and the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, I tend toward the opinion that it can be advantageous to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

On the one hand, there are 2 main reasons why it
is believed
that entertainment available on handheld
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can have deleterious effects. The
first
one is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of recreational facilities such as video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the children,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
several
seriously
physical and neurological disorders.
For instance
, if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
glues on the phone screen for a long time without going out for any social activities, he may suffer from obesity,
Possible spelling mistake found.
short-sightedness
or even depression, which are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the reason of health deterioration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
him from accessing to certain potential occupation in the future. The second reason worth
being mentioned
is that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
easily
be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that
are distributed
uncontrollably
on the Internet. To be more specific, various counter-educational kinds of entertainment such as violent or sexual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
may lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to improper and unlawful behaviors. This can
be considered
the primary cause of the increase of adverse criminal cases such as robbery or sexual assault, which can
Possible spelling mistake found.
damnify
social safety and national security.

On the other hand
, I side with the opinion that the availability of recreational facilities can be the great contributors to the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Firstly
, up-to-date technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can direct users to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
values. To elaborate, in the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
brainstorming efforts.
However
, nowadays, technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
such as smart phone have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to be more complicated, requiring an advanced combination of knowledge,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and creativity to generate an appropriate and effective playing strategies.
Thus
, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on handheld
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
have transformed into a valuable tool that raise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mind to be more creative and sophisticated.
Secondly
, the new entertainment industry based on technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
will have more opportunities to develop.
As a result
, it can contribute various undeniable value to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
such as taxes, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
invest for updating public infrastructure and services to raise their citizen's living standard.

In conclusion
, although it
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of entertainment on handheld
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can be disadvantageous, I
strongly
opine that they can be
Consider using the past participle "had"?
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
and the development of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
420 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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