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36. According to those in travel business, the nature of every native holiday in changing. Rather than have a relaxing break, people want to challenge themselves to do adventure on their holidays. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

36. According to those in travel business, the nature of every native holiday in changing. Rather than have a relaxing break, people want to challenge themselves to do adventure on their holidays. v. 1
With the advanced transport equipments, people travel aboard for their vocations.   Some people tend to pursue challenging activities for their vocations. I personally disagree with this view and believe that only under certain situations, choosing high-risk activities for personal vocations sounds  reasonable. To begin with, vocations tend to be extremely important for all inhabitants themselves worldwide. Nowadays, human beings have a hectic work schedule or personal lifestyle, which put them into high risks to easily burn out physically or mentally.  In addition, for people who are parents with young children or teenagers, vacations are also family time. Therefore, vocations are time for them to recharge themselves or to build the rapport with their children.  Vocations with challenging entertainments might place participants' lives into risks. For instance, some climbers loss their lives when they were climbing the Himalayas Mountain. Therefore, traditional vocation entertainments are proper choices for ordinary citizens. However, for younger employees who are having boring office occupations, taking a challenging adventure may light up their spirit and make their boring lives more meaningful and colourful. For example, activities, such as scrub diving, deep diving, climbing clips, car racing, and so on, may be popular and attractive to them when they take their vocations. Moreover, these high-risk activities are suitable for single adults because they may put their lives into a risk as well. Therefore, for people with family responsibilities, these types of vocations are not first options for them. In conclusion, vacations with challenging adventures might be proper sections for young adults due to the above reasons. Selecting a proper destination with suitable recreation activities will be crucial for enjoying entertainment themselves or with their family members. Traditional vacations will be reasonable choices for many people worldwide.
With the advanced transport equipments,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel aboard for their vocations.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for their vocations. I
personally
disagree with this view and believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
under certain situations, choosing high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for personal vocations sounds
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
reasonable.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, vocations tend to be
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for all inhabitants themselves worldwide. Nowadays, human beings have a hectic work schedule or personal lifestyle, which put them into high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
to
easily
burn out
physically
or mentally.  
In addition
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are parents with young children or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, vacations are
also
family time.
Therefore
, vocations are time for them to recharge themselves or to build the rapport with their children.  Vocations with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
challenging
entertainments might place participants'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "climbers'" or "climber's"?
climbers
loss their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
 when they were climbing the Himalayas Mountain.
Therefore
, traditional vocation entertainments are proper choices for ordinary citizens.

However
, for younger employees who are having boring office occupations, taking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
challenging
adventure may light up their spirit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their boring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more meaningful and
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as scrub diving, deep diving, climbing clips, car racing, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, may be popular and attractive to them when they take their vocations.
Moreover
, these high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are suitable for single adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they may put their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
as well
.
Therefore
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with family responsibilities, these types of vocations are not
first
options for them.

In conclusion
, vacations with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
challenging
adventures might be proper sections for young adults due to the above reasons. Selecting a proper destination with suitable recreation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will be crucial for enjoying entertainment themselves or with their family members. Traditional vacations will be reasonable choices for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worldwide.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay 36. According to those in travel business, the nature of every native holiday in changing. Rather than have a relaxing break, people want to challenge themselves to do adventure on their holidays. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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