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3. The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the socity they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

3. The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the socity they live in. v. 1
Handheld devices such as smartphones and tablets offer us various forms of stress-relieving, of which the most ubiquitous are video games. However, they also potentially bring about negative impacts on players and their community. I completely agree with this statement and in this essay I shall provide evidence to support my perspective. Firstly, video games on smartphones are designed to be appealing and addictive. Games impress and attract people by their fascinating graphics and intriguing gameplay, which allow people to interact with others across the world and drawn into the virtual world for hours. For example, children are the easiest to become addicted to online fighting games as they would waste days and nights to complete virtual missions, collect game items and compete with the others while neglecting their study and real life relationships leading to soaring rates of absenteeism in schools and deteriorating health conditions amongst youngsters. In addition, as players can conveniently access games via mobile phones, they tend to be distracted from work and hence perform less efficiently. Secondly, there is still loose censorship applied to game contents which may negatively influence one’s behaviour and thinking. For a game to be attractive, brutal actions are displayed as much as possible to show off its graphics. These scenes contribute largely to how game players, especially children, would violently behave towards their peers and adults. For instance, a psychological research suggested that early engagement of online action games would cause children to be more aggressive and likely to use force in solving a problem rather than words. In concluding, I would like to reiterate my perspective that availability of video games on mobile devices for entertainment purpose potentially has detrimental impacts on players because of its addictive and violent nature.
Handheld devices such as smartphones and tablets offer us various forms of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-relieving, of which the most ubiquitous are video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
However
, they
also
potentially
bring about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
and their community. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and in this essay I shall provide evidence to support my perspective.

Firstly
, video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on smartphones
are designed
to be appealing and addictive.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
impress and attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by their fascinating graphics and intriguing gameplay, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to interact with others across the world and drawn into the virtual world for hours.
For example
, children are the easiest to become addicted to online fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as they would waste days and nights to complete virtual missions, collect game items and compete with the others while neglecting their study and real life relationships leading to soaring rates of absenteeism in schools and deteriorating health conditions amongst youngsters.
In addition
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
can
conveniently
access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
via mobile phones, they tend to
be distracted
from work and
hence
perform less
efficiently
.

Secondly
, there is
still
loose censorship applied to game contents which may
negatively
influence one’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and thinking. For a game to be attractive, brutal actions
are displayed
as much as possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off its graphics. These scenes contribute
largely
to how game
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
,
especially
children, would
violently
behave towards their peers and adults.
For instance
, a psychological research suggested that early engagement of online action
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
would cause children to be more aggressive and likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
force in solving a problem
rather
than words.

In concluding, I would like to reiterate my perspective that availability of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on mobile devices for entertainment purpose
potentially
has detrimental impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its addictive and violent nature.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 3. The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the socity they live in. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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