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The appearance of mass media plays a vital role in the modern life of human being as a marked milestone. While thin women are promoted by the media, there is a dark side to this picture which affects both individuals and society. I believe that the awaren v.2

The appearance of mass media plays a vital role in the modern life of human being as a marked milestone. While thin women are promoted by the media, there is a dark side to this picture which affects both individuals and society. I believe that the awaren v. 2
The appearance of mass media plays a vital role in the modern life of human being as a marked milestone. While thin women are promoted by the media, there is a dark side to this picture which affects both individuals and society. I believe that the awareness of people is the key idea to cope with this circumstance. Turning to the main issues of this argument, although the mass media is making an outstanding contribution in recent years, people still suffer from the information from it especially thin women as a debatable issue. First of all, if people try to keep a skinny body, it will bring some disease to their health. For example, celebrity in the television inspire hope into the body expectation of many people and they attempt to follow their idols. As a result, they will be at risk when they get addicted to this circumstance. Secondly, following thin idols in the television or magazines may have an impact on their daily life such as their work quality. According to the analysis of many scientists, they concretely prove that body can not meet the demand of physical activities due to the deficiency of food intake. To deal with this problem, the governments should have some laws to minimize the harmful effects of information in the mass media. For instance, interviewing both advantages and disadvantages of thin people to strengthen the knowledge of people which is very essential. In addition, everyone may enhance their awareness in order to avoid the drawbacks of thin body because it can pose a threat to their routine life. Therefore, if they want to change themselves, they have to keep their eyes glued to the screen and take care of their health first. In conclusion, based on the variety problems of this situation, I strongly believe that people may still do whatever they want but it’s essential when they pursue their dreams by a smart way.
The appearance of mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
plays a vital role in the modern life of human being as a marked milestone. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
women
are promoted
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, there is a dark side to this picture which affects both individuals and society. I believe that the awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is the key
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to cope with this circumstance.

Turning to the main issues of this argument, although the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is making an outstanding contribution in recent years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
suffer from the information from it
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
women as a debatable issue.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a skinny
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
, it will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease to their health.
For example
, celebrity
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
inspire hope into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
expectation of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they attempt to follow their idols.
As a result
, they will be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to this circumstance.
Secondly
, following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
idols in the television or magazines may have an impact on their daily life such as their work quality. According to the analysis of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists, they
concretely
prove that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demand of physical activities due to the deficiency of food intake.

To deal with this problem, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
laws to minimize the harmful effects of information in the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
For instance
, interviewing both advantages and disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to strengthen the knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential.
In addition
, everyone may enhance their awareness in order to avoid the drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can pose a threat to their routine life.
Therefore
, if they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
themselves, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their eyes glued to the screen and take care of their health
first
.

In conclusion
, based on the variety problems of this situation, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
still
do whatever they want
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it’s essential when they pursue their dreams by a smart way.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay The appearance of mass media plays a vital role in the modern life of human being as a marked milestone. While thin women are promoted by the media, there is a dark side to this picture which affects both individuals and society. I believe that the awaren v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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