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The 18th century due to industrialization a lot of people migrate to developed countries. This affected lifestyle and increased major problems in developed countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

The 18th century due to industrialization a lot of people migrate to developed countries. This affected lifestyle and increased major problems in developed countries. v. 2
Nowadays, the moot question” whether immigrants has increased major problems in developed countries or not? ” has become a long-running dispute among the public all over the world. It is a widely held view that migrating to industrialization country to enjoy a better lifestyle, the job opportunity, and economic stability is highly beneficial, whereas I tend to believe that one must weigh up carefully the pros and cons of this issue. To begin with, it is a common belief that moving to developed countries plays a vital roll in economic growth of the society. To put into consideration, I express why I support this idea. First and foremost is that developed nations will have this opportunity to get familiar with other countries’ culture, identity, and language. Secondly, it can be argued that international students who are studying in overseas compel to spend a huge amount of money to cover their life and education that result in economic growth. In addition to this information, it should be mentioned that those countries that are experiencing the negative population grows can compensate their counties for the professional workforce. A group of socialists, working at prestigious university conducted that immigrants share their attitudes and technologies with developed countries. However, there is no doubt that migrating to developed areas provides people with various negative points. It should be taken into account that the majority of developed countries are worried about job opportunities that have been taken by immigrants and they are deprived of their rights, while they could have a lucrative job. Moreover, developed nations think that in the future developed countries might struggle over-population that proceeds from over migration. To recapitulate, I entirely agree with migrating to developed countries so that some useful actions must be taken into account this field. However, as every garden may have some weeds, the local authorities are recommended to enforce strict legislation, and the individuals are hoped to heighten their intellect.
Nowadays, the moot question” whether immigrants
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "have", "haven".
has
increased major problems in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or not? ” has become a long-running dispute among the public all over the world. It is a
widely
held view that migrating to industrialization
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to enjoy a better lifestyle, the job opportunity, and economic stability is
highly
beneficial, whereas I tend to believe that one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
weigh up
carefully
the pros and cons of this issue.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is a common belief that moving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
plays a vital roll in economic growth of the society. To put into consideration, I express why I support this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
First
and foremost is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
nations will have this opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries’
culture, identity, and language.
Secondly
, it can
be argued
that international students who are studying in overseas compel to spend a huge amount of money to cover their life and education that result in economic growth.
In addition
to this information, it should
be mentioned
that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that are experiencing the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
population grows can compensate their counties for the professional workforce. A group of socialists, working at prestigious university conducted that immigrants share their attitudes and technologies with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
countries.

However
, there is no doubt that migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
areas provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points. It should
be taken
into account that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are worried
about job opportunities that have
been taken
by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
immigrants and
they
are deprived
of their rights, while they could have a lucrative job.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
nations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that in the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
might struggle over-population that proceeds from over migration.

To recapitulate, I
entirely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful actions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
into account this field.
However
, as every garden may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
weeds, the local authorities
are recommended
to enforce strict legislation, and the individuals
are hoped
to heighten their intellect.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The 18th century due to industrialization a lot of people migrate to developed countries. This affected lifestyle and increased major problems in developed countries. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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