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Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. v. 1
Nowadays, the question of whether or not government should pay for children’s education has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, the upsides will be far more significant. There are a number of drawbacks of this sponsorship. First, since government spends the amount of money on paying education’s fees, national budgets will burden. In fact, authority takes care of not only education but also culture, politics, which justifies that government will be seeking further funding for all aspects of nation. Second, by paying the costs for children’s education, unfairness to childless people will be created. This means that these citizens will be angry because their income tax doesn’t bring benefits for themselves. On the other hand, the actions of government have some advantages. First, in order to invest in the workforce in the future, invention in children is necessary. In fact, a sponsorship helps more impoverished students go to school, which leads to increase qualified employees who can work complex jobs, thus strengthens labour force in modern life. Second, if ministry pays some or all education costs, society will become more civilized with a low abundant rate. This means that authority can support for low-income families with children, which helps all children receive a decent education system and avoid would – be delinquent, thus lead to decrease social burden. In conclusion, the advantages of this trend will be far more significant. By considering all the pros and cons, government can make the best policy.
Nowadays,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should pay for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, the upsides will be far more significant.

There are a number of drawbacks of this sponsorship.
First
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spends the amount of money on paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education’s
fees, national budgets will burden. In fact, authority takes care of not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
culture, politics, which justifies that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will be seeking
further
funding for all aspects of nation. Second, by paying the costs for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, unfairness to childless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
be created
. This means that these citizens will be angry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their income tax doesn’t bring benefits for themselves.

On the other hand
, the actions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages.
First
, in order to invest in the workforce in the future, invention in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is necessary. In fact, a sponsorship
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
more impoverished students go to school, which leads to increase qualified employees who can work complex jobs,
thus
strengthens
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force in modern life. Second, if ministry pays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
or all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
costs, society will become more civilized with a low abundant rate. This means that authority can support for low-income families with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
receive a decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system and avoid would
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
be delinquent,
thus
lead to decrease social burden.

In conclusion
, the advantages of this trend will be far more significant. By considering all the pros and cons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the best policy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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