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The bar chart below shows the percentage of people who are able to read and write in the different regions of the world and the world average in 2004. v.1

The bar chart below shows the percentage of people who are able to read and write in the different regions of the world and the world average in 2004. v. 1
The education system witnessed dramatic changes during the past century. There is a common belief that schools should focus more on academic subjects and less on the practical skills of a student. I fully disagree with this opinion and I think that children should be taught basic skills such cooking at schools. I will support my stand with valid arguments in the following paragraphs. There is no doubt that academic subjects such as mathematics and science should be given more importance in the school curriculum. These subjects help children develop logic and understand the world around them. Additionally, academic knowledge is a good basis for a future career. However, not every student will pursue a career in science and each of them will need to cook at some stage of their life. For example, after graduation from school, many students move out of their parents’ house and start living on their own. Those In such situations, those young people who have never even fried an egg face serious difficulties. Had they learned cooking at school, this could have been avoided. Cooking is not only a survival skill but it is also) fundamental for health and wellbeing. According to research, the people who know cooking and practice it on a daily basis have the lower risk of diabetes and colon cancer than the people who do not know how to cook and prefer to eat fast food. Children should learn how to prepare healthy and nutritious meal for themselves and the school should help them to gain this skill. Every school should have classes where children have an opportunity to learn simple recipes and under the teacher’s supervision. From my personal experience, I learned how to make soup at school and I appreciate this experience because it helps me now. In conclusion, I believe that the school should take the responsibility to educate children on some practical activities such as food preparation. Although academic knowledge is absolutely necessary for a modern human being, cooking is a survival skill and a protective factor against some health issues.
The education system witnessed dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
during the past century. There is a common belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should focus more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
subjects and less on the practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
of a student. I
fully
disagree with this opinion and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such cooking at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. I will support my stand with valid arguments in the following paragraphs.

There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
subjects such as mathematics and science should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more importance in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. These subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop logic and understand the world around them.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
basis for a future career.
However
, not every student will pursue a career in science and each of them will need to cook at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stage of their life.
For example
, after graduation from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out of their parents’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Those In such situations, those young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have never even fried an egg face serious difficulties. Had they learned cooking at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, this could have
been avoided
.

Cooking is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a survival
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
also
Unpaired symbol: '(' seems to be missing
)
fundamental for health and
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
. According to research, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who know cooking and practice it on a daily basis have the lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of diabetes and colon cancer than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who do not know how to cook and prefer to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should learn how to prepare healthy and nutritious meal for themselves and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to gain this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should have classes where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have an opportunity to learn simple recipes and under the teacher’s supervision. From my personal experience, I learned how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
soup at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and I appreciate this experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
me
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should take the responsibility to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
practical activities such as food preparation. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge is
absolutely
necessary for a modern human being, cooking is a survival
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
and a protective factor against
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health issues.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage of people who are able to read and write in the different regions of the world and the world average in 2004. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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