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Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. v.3

Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. v. 3
Some people believe that the existence of television brings many negative effects in our communities. It is reported that television is one of the main reasons for the miscommunication problem between families, relatives and friends. I personally disagree with the statement, since it is not the television’s fault, but mainly due the irresponsible act of the individuals themselves, and the following paragraphs will explain it in more details. For a number of reasons, television brings a lot of benefits for many individuals and societies. Firstly, televisions provide lots of crucial information which are certainly useful for many communities. For example, it is common that news on television informs about the economic and political conditions of a particular country. This crucial information is definitely important for investors, financial analyst or bankers in making short and long term investment. Secondly, television also provides educative shows which are truly beneficial for the communities, specifically for students and scholars. Some of the shows are National Geographic Channel, Discovery or Animal planets which educate the public regarding the wildlife and natural sciences. On the other hand, some people are addicted to television and have spent a large portion of their personal time in front of the television and ignore their main duties as a member of a family or part of certain communities. I personally think that these kinds of problems are not due to the existence of the television, but due to the individuals themselves who are not capable and responsible in managing their times. It is also noticed that some people are not being wise in utilising their smartphones which certainly exaggerate the issues. In conclusion, I strongly disagree that televisions have caused some serious problems for individuals in terms of communication among families and friends, as it is the mistake of the individuals themselves who are not being responsible for organising their time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. It
is reported
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is one of the main reasons for the miscommunication problem between families, relatives and friends. I
personally
disagree with the statement, since it is not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television’s
fault,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
mainly
due the irresponsible act of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
themselves, and the following paragraphs will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
it in more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

For a number of reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
and societies.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
provide lots of crucial information which are
certainly
useful for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
.
For example
, it is common that news on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
informs about the economic and political conditions of a particular country. This crucial information is definitely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for investors, financial analyst or bankers in making short and long term investment.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
also
provides educative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
which are
truly
beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
,
specifically
for students and scholars.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are National Geographic Channel, Discovery or Animal planets which educate the public regarding the wildlife and natural sciences.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and have spent a large portion of their personal time in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
their main duties as a member of a family or part of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these kinds of problems are not due to the existence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
themselves who are not capable and responsible in managing their times. It is
also
noticed that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not being wise in
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
their smartphones which
certainly
exaggerate the issues.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
have caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
in terms of communication among families and friends, as it is the mistake of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
themselves who are not being responsible for
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
their time.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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