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Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree? Own example? v.8

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Own example? v. 8
In this contemporary era, a small screen is the best source of in-house entertainment. However, a group of individual have been predominated and becoming lethargic, by which socialism has been vanished in the society. While, I completely agree with this given notion and my supportive ideas will be given below in this essay. Although, humankind has industrious schedule and stress in their everyday’s life, to unload their pressure TV is far better than other physical activities. Such as an individual commute to the office, school or college in day time and after reaching at home, require some time to relax the mind, which can be possible by watching Television, this is a perpetual activity, by which humans are becoming lazy. Moreover, because, watching a small screen is a passive activity, that people enjoy by sitting glued to it and become work-shy. On the other hand, not merely TV has made people lazy, but also a reason of vanishing socialism. There are a lot of daily soup and interesting series, weather is of historical or an admirable person’s lifestyle has been eagerly, seeing by youth, by which people are not interested to talk to the immediate person as well. For instance, at a home of 4 family members can be seen busy in watching TV in their separate room and will not talk to the family member sitting in the next door room. In my personal experience, this is what I face issues at my home when my children don’t talk to each other and be busy in watching television. To make a long story short, I down my pen and encapsulating that, If television had not been there, people would not be able to pass their leisure time. However, excess use of it can be harmful for an individual as well as society, wherein mankinds become lethargic and antisocial.
In this contemporary era, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen is the best source of in-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
entertainment.
However
, a group of individual have
been predominated
and becoming lethargic, by which socialism has
been vanished
in the society. While, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
notion and my supportive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
below in this essay.

Although, humankind has industrious schedule and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
in their
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
’s life, to unload their pressure TV is far better than other physical activities. Such as an individual commute to the office, school or college in day time and after reaching at home, require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to relax the mind, which can be possible by watching Television, this is a perpetual activity, by which humans are becoming lazy.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, watching a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen is a passive activity, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy by sitting glued to it and become work-shy.

On the other hand
, not
merely
TV has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lazy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a reason of vanishing socialism. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
daily soup and interesting series, weather is of historical or an admirable person’s lifestyle has been
eagerly
, seeing by youth, by which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not interested to talk to the immediate person
as well
.
For instance
, at a home of 4 family members can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
busy in watching TV in their separate room and will not talk to the family member sitting in the
next
door room. In my personal experience, this is what I face issues at my home when my children don’t talk to each other and be busy in watching television.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, I down my pen and encapsulating that, If television had not been there,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would not be able to pass their leisure time.
However
, excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of it can be harmful for an individual
as well
as society, wherein
Possible spelling mistake found.
mankinds
become lethargic and antisocial.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Own example? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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