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Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. v. 2
Whether television is a blessing or a curse has been a controversial topic since innovation till recent days. It is well known about television supremacy over many peoples’ free time, and it can make people lazy and strains them from socialising with their peers or relatives. In this essay, I will show why I strongly agree with this notion. On the one hand, television distracts people from health exercise. Because television is amusing and considered as a time-killer, people often forget to have their daily exercise, accordingly, obesity rate increases. Moreover, television is not only increasing obesity among people, but also has a negative effect on muscles and blood pressure because of the habit of eating while watching television. According to the recent report by the red-cross organisation on 2018, obesity and cardiovascular diseases rate is over 70% to people who spend all night watching television programs. Furthermore, television negatively affects sociality-integral skills among people. Although the family can gather around in the same house watching television, television has a detrimental effect on peoples’ integration with wider span of relatives, for instance; peers and neighbours. Due to the addiction of television, people cannot flee from movies or series, therefore, their communication with the outside community declines slowly. According to a new survey by the EGYPTIAN supreme national committee of multimedia, the tendency to become solitary people increases among those who no spent their free time watching televisions. To conclude, television distracts people from looking after their health and dietary, while also increases tendency to switch to solitary people due to lack interaction with foreigners. Because of the above mentioned reasons I withstand the notion that television has more detrimental effects on our lifestyle.
Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is a blessing or a curse has been a controversial topic since innovation till recent days. It is well known about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
supremacy over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
free time, and it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lazy and strains them from
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
with their peers or relatives. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
why I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
distracts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from health exercise.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is amusing and considered as a time-killer,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
forget to have their daily exercise,
accordingly
, obesity rate increases.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increasing obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on muscles and blood pressure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the habit of eating while watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. According to the recent report by the red-cross
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
on 2018, obesity and cardiovascular diseases rate is over 70% to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who spend all night watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
negatively
affects
Possible spelling mistake found.
sociality-integral
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although the family can gather around in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has a detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
integration with wider span of relatives,
for instance
; peers and
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
. Due to the addiction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot flee from movies or series,
therefore
, their communication with the outside community declines
slowly
. According to a new survey by the EGYPTIAN supreme national committee of multimedia, the tendency to become solitary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
increases
among those
A noun should not follow 'who'. Try changing to a verb or maybe to "who is a no".
who no
spent their free time watching televisions.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
distracts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from looking after their health and dietary, while
also
increases tendency to switch to solitary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
due to lack interaction with foreigners.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of the above mentioned reasons I withstand the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has more detrimental effects on our lifestyle.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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