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'Telecommuting' refers to workers doing their jobs from home for part of each week and communicating with their office using computer technology. Telecommuting is growing in many countries and is expected to be common for most office workers in the coming decades. How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting? v.5

'Telecommuting' refers to workers doing their jobs from home for part of each week and communicating with their office using computer technology. Telecommuting is growing in many countries and is expected to be common for most office workers in the coming decades. How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting? v. 5
Telecommuting has become a buzzword not only among IT professionals but also among the common folks. It brings about a sea of changes in the work culture of many business settings. Though some business firms are on the fence about this new concept, my two cents is that several positive innovations come about in the society by this new concept. Firstly, this advanced work culture brings down the traffic-related problems significantly. To be more precise, the traffic jams, noise and air pollutions can be reduced by less commuting of workers. The less vehicle travel we do, the more environment we save. By reducing vehicles on the road, we do not need to go the extra mile to bring down the traffic accident and respiratory ailment of human beings. Recent UN study highlights that in Atlanta, one of the biggest telecommuting work cultured city in the USA has low motor accident rate in peak hours by reduced vehicles on the road is the best epitome. Secondly, working parents in the society get ample time to bringing up their children. In other words, child rearing, usually considered as a tough nut to crack for the working parents, easing by work at home culture. Workers do not need to pull their socks up to manage their official work and child affairs at the same span of time. Hence, tension and anxiety reduce considerably and it beneficial for both employer by increased work performance and employees by reduced stress-related ailments. Latest issue of a family magazine survey reveals that the online telecommuting working classes families are 30% happier than other working class families is the best example. However, an army of people claims that this kind of work culture brings down the office socialisation. Perhaps it may true to some degree but, it cannot be denied that the family happiness is more important than this small social issue. To crown it all, telecommuting work culture is an idle solution for many social issues like traffic problem and child care. If society goes by this kind of innovative concept in other fields, we can break the deadlock of many other social problems.
Telecommuting has become a buzzword not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
among IT professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
among the common folks. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
about a sea of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
business settings. Though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
business firms are on the fence about this new concept, my two cents is that several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
innovations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
about in the society by this new concept.

Firstly
, this advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
down the traffic-related problems
significantly
. To be more precise, the traffic jams, noise and air pollutions can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by less commuting of workers. The less vehicle travel we do, the more environment we save. By reducing vehicles on the road, we do not need to go the extra mile to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
down the traffic accident and respiratory ailment of human beings. Recent UN study highlights that in Atlanta, one of the biggest telecommuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
cultured city in the USA has low motor accident rate in peak hours by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
vehicles on the road is the best epitome.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
parents in the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ample time to bringing up their children. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, child rearing,
usually
considered as a tough nut to crack for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
parents, easing by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. Workers do not need to pull their socks up to manage their official
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and child affairs at the same span of time.
Hence
, tension and anxiety
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
considerably
and
It seems that a verb is missing after "it". Please verify.
it
beneficial for both employer by increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance and employees by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-related ailments.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
issue of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
magazine survey reveals that the online telecommuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
classes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are 30% happier than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
is the best example.

However
, an army of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claims that this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
down the office
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
. Perhaps it may true to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, it cannot
be denied
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
happiness is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
social issue.

To crown it all, telecommuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
is an idle solution for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social issues like traffic problem and child care. If society goes by this kind of innovative concept in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields, we can break the deadlock of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
social problems.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay 'Telecommuting' refers to workers doing their jobs from home for part of each week and communicating with their office using computer technology. Telecommuting is growing in many countries and is expected to be common for most office workers in the coming decades. How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting? v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
357 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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