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Teenage offenders should be treated in the same way as adult criminals. Do you agree? v.1

Teenage offenders should be treated in the same way as adult criminals. Do you agree? v. 1
It is thought by many that teenagers who commit a crime ought to be dealt with the same way as adults who offend. In my opinion, I disagree that they should be treated the same because of they are still young and they did not reach puberty yet. One good reason to not agree that the teenage criminals ought to be treated as the adult ones is that the age of these offenders is still considered to be a "young" age. Therefore, they are still ignorant regarding some basic and important matters. Furthermore, they do not know the consequences of their act. A lot of the murderers in the USA, for instance, are of the age of 16 and they said that they did not know what they were doing at the time they commit a murder. Another point to consider when disagreeing that the teenage offenders to be treated the same as the grown ups is that most of them did not reach the puberty stage yet. In other words, their nervous system is not fully completed yet, which will happen when they reach the puberty level and, approximately, the age of 18. Without having a fully-grown-up brain, it will be very unfair of us to judge their acts and apply strong sentences and penalties on them. Although it is often believed that we should treat the youngsters who offend as we deal with the grown ups, I completely disagree because of their young age and their brain system in not fully completed in growth and that would be really unfair.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who commit a crime ought to
be dealt
with the same way as adults who offend. In my opinion, I disagree that they should
be treated
the same
Probable usage error. Use "because they" instead.
because of they
are
still
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
young and
they did not reach puberty
yet
.

One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the teenage criminals ought to
be treated
as the adult ones is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of these offenders is
still
considered to be a
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
young
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Therefore
, they are
still
ignorant regarding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
matters.
Furthermore
, they do not know the consequences of their act.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
the murderers in the USA,
for instance
, are of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
16 and
they said that they did not know what they were doing at the time they commit a murder.

Another point to consider when disagreeing that the teenage offenders to
be treated
the same as the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
is that most of them did not reach the puberty stage
yet
.
In other words
, their nervous system is not
fully
completed
yet
, which will happen when they reach the puberty level and, approximately, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18. Without having a
fully
-grown-up brain, it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unfair of us to judge their acts and apply strong sentences and penalties on them.

Although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed that we should treat the youngsters who offend as we deal with the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
, I completely disagree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and their brain system in not
fully
completed in growth and that would be
really
unfair.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Teenage offenders should be treated in the same way as adult criminals. Do you agree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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