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Technology had made recreational activities like listening music or watching films easier. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.1

Technology had made recreational activities like listening music or watching films easier. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1
Listening to music or watching films had become relatively easy, with the rapid development of technology in the 21st century. Today, people can get a hold of portable entertainment devices easily. Some people claim that it is beneficial to use them while others argue that they have several drawbacks. The arguments on both sides of this issue will be examined carefully in this essay. On one hand, digital devices have a great variety of benefits. To begin with, these gadgets have versatile functions, from playing games to listening to music while walking down busy streets. Secondly, they are incredibly lightweight and portable to use. For example, if students did not complete their homework before class, they can carry their laptops on trains or cars and work on the go. These devices allow people greater flexibility and ease. On the other hand, there are numerous drawbacks to electronic gadgets. Firstly, there is no doubt that a rise in patients with eyesight problems, headaches, and back problems are due to the devices. They are major contributors to disease nowadays because people spend hours staring at a screen. Moreover, a growing number of individuals watch TV while eating, and neglect the need of exercise. This has increased the number of people with obesity. Furthermore, electronic devices have made people socially isolated. People usually spend time indoors creating a virtual persona and befriending superficial online friends. Also, they do not know the activities happening outside, so the art of physical communication has deteriorated. In conclusion, I believe there are more drawbacks than benefits in the later future. From my perspective, I believe the gen-z and millennial population may face life-threatening problems if they do not limit themselves from the devices
Listening to music or watching films had become
relatively
easy, with the rapid development of technology in the 21st century.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a hold of portable entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
easily
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that it is beneficial to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them while others argue that they have several drawbacks. The arguments on both sides of this issue will
be examined
carefully
in this essay.

On one hand, digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
have a great variety of benefits. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, these gadgets have versatile functions, from playing games to listening to music while walking down busy streets.
Secondly
, they are
incredibly
lightweight and portable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
For example
, if students did not complete their homework
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, they can carry their laptops on trains or cars and work on the go. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
greater flexibility and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
.

On the other hand
, there are numerous drawbacks to electronic gadgets.
Firstly
, there is no doubt that a rise in patients with eyesight problems, headaches, and back problems are due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. They are major contributors to disease nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend hours staring at a screen.
Moreover
, a growing number of individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV while eating, and neglect the need of exercise. This has increased the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with obesity.
Furthermore
, electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
have made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
socially
isolated.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
usually
spend time indoors creating a virtual persona and befriending superficial online friends.
Also
, they do not know the activities happening outside,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the art of physical communication has deteriorated.

In conclusion
, I believe there are more drawbacks than benefits in the later future. From my perspective, I believe the gen-z and millennial population may face life-threatening problems if they do not limit themselves from the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
devices
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Technology had made recreational activities like listening music or watching films easier. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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