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Talk about one activity that you will do in the near future. Explain why you want to do this activity. v.1

Talk about one activity that you will do in the near future. Explain why you want to do this activity. v. 1
Nowadays, games and films are the most two intriguing methods of amusement. On the account of the fact that many of them contain violent content, some people believe that they are detrimental to the society and the government should prohibit their production, while others argue that the vehemence is only used for the sake of enjoyment. In this essay, I will discuss both views and give a reasoned opinion. On one side of the argument, teenagers could imitate the brutal actions that are demonstrated in one of the games or TV shows. In other words, these adolescents may be not aware enough how dangerous these movements could be. Recent research that was published in a scientific magazine clarifies that 10% of the teenagers' injuries are resulting from their imitation of one of the well-known superheroes. As a result of this, the government should take tangible measures to regulate or forbid the existence of violence in these materials. On the flip side, thanks to the internet and social media, people are now aware that the vehemence content is just for amusement. To clarify, games which depend on aggressive behaviours like fighting or killing the other opponents are the most successful ones because they engage the players in the event and grab their attention. Considering the renowned game, PUBG, as an example, it was downloaded by more than 2 billion smartphone users around the world, but it did not affect the crime rate or has any deleterious impact on the society. Having looked to both sides, since the violence content influences on the behaviour of some young people; games and films should demonstrate some clear cautions to avoid the harmful consequences. Nevertheless, I see that not only are video games and movies considered as a main source of entertainment, but they also add a sense of suspense and action to the people's experience. Hence, their prejudicial impact is negligible.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and films are the most two intriguing methods of amusement. On the account of the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them contain violent content,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that they are detrimental to the society and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should prohibit their production, while others argue that the vehemence is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the sake of enjoyment. In this essay, I will discuss both views and give a reasoned opinion.

On one side of the argument,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
could imitate the brutal actions that
are demonstrated
in one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
In other words
, these adolescents may be not aware
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
these movements could be. Recent research that
was published
in a scientific magazine clarifies that 10% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
' injuries are resulting from their imitation of one of the well-known superheroes.
As a result
of this, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take tangible measures to regulate or forbid the existence of violence in these materials.

On the flip side, thanks to the internet and social media,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
aware that the vehemence content is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for amusement. To clarify,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which depend on aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
like fighting or killing the other opponents are the most successful ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they engage the players in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
and grab their attention. Considering the renowned game, PUBG, as an example, it
was downloaded
by more than 2 billion smartphone users around the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it did not affect the crime rate or has any deleterious impact on the society.

Having looked to both sides, since the violence content influences on the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and films should demonstrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
cautions to avoid the harmful consequences.
Nevertheless
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and movies considered as a main source of entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
a sense of suspense and action to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's experience.
Hence
, their prejudicial impact is negligible.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is wine upon the lips. – Virginia WoolfInspirational quotes for language learners
Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay Talk about one activity that you will do in the near future. Explain why you want to do this activity. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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