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Talk about a piece of good news that made you happy and explain why. Please include specific examples and details in your explanation v.2

Talk about a piece of good news that made you happy and explain why. Please include specific examples and details in your explanation v. 2
In the modern world, it is commonly seen most individuals spend a tremendous amount of funds to have grate matrimonies. Although on the one hand, it is reasonable to celebrate the most wonderful event of their life with their family and friends. However, I believe spending so much cash to celebrate only one great day of life cannot be accepted. Firstly, many individuals use to have bank loans to get an enormous wedding, but sometimes, it is extremely beyond their level. Most of the time those who get loans, will not able to pay after the wedding. After the wedding, they will struggle with those debts. As a consequence of it, those individuals will not able to spend happily married life with those money issues. As an example, without money, those couples will not able to spend on their day to day processes like food, medical and other services. Moreover, debs can be an effect on the development of the family. Secondly, to spend a huge amount of funds for a simple party cannot be accepted. Clearly, In the general population, many individuals suffer from poverty. For instance, some children don't have enough resources and funds to achieve their life goals and dreams. As an example, there are many talented children in the world, which is don't have enough money to study. It is important to help those people instead of wasting money on partying is a grate humanity service that those wedding couples can be satisfied in their lifetime. Finally, I believe spending a tremendous amount of cash on one matrimonial, better that has a simple wedding and help other people or use those funds to have a great life is the best thing to do.
In the modern world, it is
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a tremendous amount of funds to have grate
Possible spelling mistake found.
matrimonies
. Although on the one hand, it is reasonable to celebrate the most wonderful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with their family and friends.
However
, I believe spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much cash to celebrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one great day of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
cannot be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
have bank loans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, it is
extremely
beyond their level. Most of the time those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
loans, will not able to pay after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
. After the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
, they will struggle with those debts. As a consequence of it, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
will not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
happily
married
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
issues. As an example, without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, those couples will not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
processes like food, medical and other services.
Moreover
, debs can be an effect on the development of the family.

Secondly
, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a huge amount of funds for a simple party cannot be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
.
Clearly
, In the general population,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
suffer from poverty.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
resources and funds to achieve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
goals and dreams. As an example, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
talented children in the world, which is don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to study. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
instead
of wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on partying is a grate humanity service that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
couples can
be satisfied
in their lifetime.

Finally
, I believe spending a tremendous amount of cash on one matrimonial, better that has a simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wedding
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
those funds to have a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is the best thing to do.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Talk about a piece of good news that made you happy and explain why. Please include specific examples and details in your explanation v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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