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Sugar consumption is too harmful. Some say it is governments responsibility to limit sugar intake, while others say it's individual who are responsible. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion. v.2

Sugar consumption is too harmful. Some say it is governments responsibility to limit sugar intake, while others say it's individual who are responsible. v. 2
The museums in the several places have started to impose the entry fees, many people argue that it has the disadvantage of fewer visitors visiting, while this essay argues that it has an advantage because it helps the council to take care of it in a better way. On the one hand, many people state that due to entry tickets the primary drawback will be the drop in the number of visitors visiting it. That is to say, most of the museums exhibits local culture, when such public places are free to access for everyone it attracts the variety of audience and visitors that can learn about the history of that place. For instance, by visiting the various museums in the Hyderabad, people can come to know the prosperity they had in previous time due to pearl mines if they will impose charge fewer people will be interested. However, I believe that the entry tickets levied on such places are nominal and should not stop anyone from exploring it. On the other hand, it helps the Government earn money that can be utilised in bearing the maintenance costs of the museum. In other words, these historical sites are too old and requires repair on the regular intervals to keep them up to the mark for visitors, if all the money will be spent from taxpayers' pocket it could be an injustice to them, so if some participation from its visitors could be taken it will help the government to cope up with the expenses. For example, in the Rajasthan a city in India, all the major museums in forts are now maintained by the Archaeological Survey of India with some entrance fees that helps to sustain all the exhibits at the balance costs. Thus, some participation from its visitors helps. To conclude, imposing entry fees on museums might deter the few people to visit them, while in the long run it presents a useful approach for their sustenance.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
in the several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to impose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
fees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that it has the disadvantage of fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
visiting, while this essay argues that it has an advantage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
the council to take care of it in a better way.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
state that due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
tickets the primary drawback will be the drop in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
visiting it.
That is
to say, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
exhibits local culture, when such public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are free to access for everyone it attracts the variety of audience and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
that can learn about the history of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
For instance
, by visiting the various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
in the Hyderabad,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to know the prosperity they had in previous time due to pearl mines if they will impose charge fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be interested
.
However
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
tickets levied on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are nominal and should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
anyone from exploring it.

On the other hand
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
earn money that can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
in bearing the maintenance costs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
.
In other words
, these historical sites are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and requires repair on the regular intervals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them up to the mark for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
, if all the money will
be spent
from taxpayers' pocket it could be an injustice to them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
participation from its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
could
be taken
it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to cope up with the expenses.
For example
, in the Rajasthan a city in India, all the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
in forts are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
maintained by the Archaeological Survey of India with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
entrance fees that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to sustain all the exhibits at the balance costs.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
participation from its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
.

To conclude
, imposing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
fees on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
might deter the few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to visit them, while in the long run it presents a useful approach for their sustenance.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Sugar consumption is too harmful. Some say it is governments responsibility to limit sugar intake, while others say it's individual who are responsible. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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