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Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Write both views and your opinion. v.2

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Write both views and your opinion. v. 2
Professionalism is the most important character trait in today's world. Athletes in sports world, earn a lot more than any other profession. Some people find it fair while others argue about it. I tend to agree with the former as it is the hard work of one person that helps him attain heights and Also, how he uses the money he earned. First and Foremost, athletes around the world, earn more from endorsements, instead of sports. Most of the athletes gain a majority of their income from advertisement, either by promoting a product or posting about it online. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, a renowned soccer player, earns close to a million dollar's per Instagram post. It is because he has more than 50 million followers. In contrast, a normal average in Instagram is around 1000 followers. All the above factor's help athletes to earn a lot more than other professionals. On the other hand, Professionalism should not be measured on the basis of salary. To illustrate this, a medical professional, is paid to save life and keep people healthy. Also, that is the only source of income for them. Most of the population judges a professional's success on the basis of his income, while it's one's own interest that will thrive him for excellence and attain height in their field of work. Although there are a certain percentage of professionals in the field of science and technology who earn more than athletes, which is rare. In conclusion, although, most of the professional's get paid a lot lesser than sport professional. In my opinion, athletes earn more because of their popularity, and less because of the industry they work in.
Professionalism is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
character trait in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Athletes
in sports world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
a lot more than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
profession.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
while others argue about it. I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former as it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work of one person that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
him attain heights and
Also
, how he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
the money he earned.

First
and Foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
around the world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more from endorsements,
instead
of sports. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
gain a majority of their income from advertisement, either by promoting a product or posting about it online.
For example
, Cristiano Ronaldo, a renowned soccer player,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earns
close to a million dollar's per Instagram post. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he has more than 50 million followers.
In contrast
, a normal average in Instagram is around 1000 followers. All the above factor's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
a lot more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, Professionalism should not
be measured
on the basis of salary. To illustrate this, a medical professional,
is paid
to save life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
healthy.
Also
,
that is
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
source of income for them. Most of the population judges a professional's success on the basis of his income, while it's one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interest that will thrive him for excellence and attain height in their field of work. Although there are a certain percentage of professionals in the field of science and technology who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
, which is rare.

In conclusion
, although, most of the professional's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid a lot lesser than sport professional. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their popularity, and less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the industry they work in.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Write both views and your opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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