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Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people important professions some people think this fully justified, while others think it is unfair. Discuss both this view and give your own opinion. v.1

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people important professions some people think this fully justified, while others think it is unfair. v. 1
A group of people believes that sports personnel can gain more money than other occupations. Another group of people is opposing this view. To form a judicious opinion a discussion is essential, where I stand with the first body. One the one hand, players need to be paid by high salary compared to other jobs due to many factors. To explain, nowadays sportsmen are earning more money is acceptable because they have a short lifetime career. Athletes need to work hard to achieve their goal. For example, the famous Indian cricketer, Sachin Tendulkar started his practice in the age of 13, for this target he sacrificed a few like education and family bonding. In addition, they have to adjust to other nation's weather, food, and culture, while travelling to events. In sports, there are several risks and player wants to stay away from their family, so it is reasonable to get increase wages. Thus, it is clear they like to be paid better. On the other hand, there are numerous important works in society, but the workers are obtaining low pay than game personnel. To elaborate, these days in counties enormous persons are literates and job vacancies are less as a result, employees get decrease currency. For instance, in the Information Technology field, there are many candidates applying for vacancy because there is less difficulty in this department. Moreover, people those who are working with the companies and any other sectors, they have to wait for increments and promotions for long years. Thus, it is evident facing fewer problem in employment is taking less money. To conclude, after a discussion, it is understandable, sportsmen are eligible to receive greater payment than other professionals, because they are putting more efforts and entertaining inhabitants. Due to these reasons I support to the first party.
A group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believes that sports personnel can gain more money than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations. Another group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is opposing this view. To form a judicious opinion a discussion is essential, where I stand with the
first
body.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, players need to
be paid
by high salary compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
jobs due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, nowadays sportsmen are earning more money is acceptable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a short lifetime career. Athletes need to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve their goal.
For example
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Indian cricketer,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendulkar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
his practice in the age of 13, for this target he sacrificed a few like education and family bonding.
In addition
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
adjust to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nation's weather, food, and culture, while travelling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. In sports, there are several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and player wants to stay away from their family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is reasonable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
increase wages.
Thus
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
they like to
be paid
better.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
works in society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the workers are obtaining low pay than game personnel. To elaborate, these days in counties enormous persons are literates and job vacancies are less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
a result, employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
decrease currency.
For instance
, in the Information Technology field, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
candidates applying for vacancy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is less difficulty in this department.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
those who are working with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wait for increments and promotions for long years.
Thus
, it is evident facing fewer problem in employment is taking less money.

To conclude
, after a discussion, it is understandable, sportsmen are eligible to receive greater payment than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are putting more efforts and entertaining inhabitants. Due to these reasons I support to the
first
party.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people important professions some people think this fully justified, while others think it is unfair. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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