Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Subjects such as art, sport and music are being dropped out of the school curriculum for subjects such as information technology. Many children suffer as a result of these changes. To what extend do you agree or reject the idea of moving these subjects fr v.2

Subjects such as art, sport and music are being dropped out of the school curriculum for subjects such as information technology. Many children suffer as a result of these changes. 2
Some people are of the view that, most children would suffer as subject such as art, music and sport are withdrawn from the school curriculum for information technology. However, others are of an opposite view. To begin, information technology offers a platform to extend skills such as art. It does so in a sophisticated manner. For instance, there are softwares such as corel draw in the computer. This softwares offers avenues to develop artistic skills in a modern account. The work is normally error free as it is done through a computer. In addition, musical abilities can also be cultivated by the use of a computer. For example, softwares are available which creates musical beats as well recording voices of singers. This recordings and musical beats, can therefore be edited time and again to produce quality songs. Thus, it is not worth doubting that information technology should replace subjects such as art and music in school. On the other hand, information technology does not improve physical fitness which is vital in sports. This is so because one would just be sited before the computer, hence laziness being promoted. Consequently, killing the stamina needed in sporting activities. Evenmore, traditional art and musical skills are bound to extinct. Original drawing by a pencil and paper would be no more as drawing is done by a computer. The same goes for original musical voice. It would be edited to produce perfection by a computer. In conclusion, whether subjects such as art, music, and sport should be dropped for information technology has caused a spirited debated amongst individuals. However, I assert for both art, sport, and music, and information technology to be incorporated at the same level in the school curriculum.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the view that, most children would suffer as subject such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
are withdrawn from the school curriculum for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
However
, others are of an opposite view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
offers a platform to extend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. It does
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Consider replacing "in a sophisticated manner" with the adverb for "sophisticated"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a sophisticated manner
.
For instance
, there are
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
corel
draw
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the computer".
in the computer
.
Did you mean "these"?
This
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
You should probably use "offer".
offers
avenues to develop artistic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in a modern account. The work is
normally
error free as it
is done
through a computer.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
abilities can
also
be cultivated
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of a computer.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
are available which creates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
beats
as well
recording voices of singers.
Did you mean "these"?
This
recordings and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
beats, can
therefore
be edited
time and again to produce quality songs.
Thus
, it is not worth doubting that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
should replace subjects such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in school.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
physical fitness which is vital in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
be sited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the computer,
hence
laziness
being promoted
.
Consequently
, killing the stamina needed in sporting activities.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Evenmore
, traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are bound
to extinct. Original drawing by a pencil and paper would be no more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
drawing
is done
by a computer. The same goes for original
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
voice. It would
be edited
to produce perfection by a computer.

In conclusion
, whether subjects such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
should
be dropped
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has caused a spirited debated amongst individuals.
However
, I assert for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
to
be incorporated
at the same level in the school curriculum.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay Subjects such as art, sport and music are being dropped out of the school curriculum for subjects such as information technology. Many children suffer as a result of these changes. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts