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Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop doing physical exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.2

Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop doing physical exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 2
Sports and Physical exercise play a very important role in our day to day life. Individuals of a young age are more inclined towards sports whereas while becoming adults Physical exercise becomes of less importance. The reasons for refraining adults from doing physical exercise could be divided into three factors. One is Time and the second could be a personal reason or Interest. Firstly, Time can the most relevant and foremost reason. Our super-speed life does not give us ample or a little time to involve ourselves in physical exercise. Researchers have shown that time has been a very important factor for not allowing individuals to take some time out for their physical activity. We are working in the offices which are so far away that we spend most of our time travelling or we are occupied in household activities which do not give us time for the activity. Due to this, one is more prone to diseases like obesity, high cholesterol levels, Diabetes and many more. Secondly, Even if we get time for one, we do not have much interest in doing physical activity or involving ourselves in sports. Like many people have a hobby of sleeping or playing video games or spend time on social media. These individuals do not like getting themselves involved in sports or and outdoor activity. It is one' s personal interest also which drives one to involve in the physical activity. To conclude with the solutions, we can have gyms at the office; the offices can keep organizing outdoor sports for their employees. They can also tie-ups with the local gyms or nearby clubs of their office to render some discounts for their employees. The government can also participate by organising gym equipment in the public parks or opening conventional centres at subsidized rates.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life. Individuals of a young age are more inclined towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
whereas while becoming adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
becomes of less importance. The reasons for refraining adults from doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
could
be divided
into three factors. One is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
and the second could be a personal reason or Interest.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
can the most relevant and foremost reason. Our super-speed life does not give us ample or a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to involve ourselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. Researchers have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has been a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for not allowing individuals to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
out for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. We are working in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offices
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far away that we spend most of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
travelling or
we
are occupied
in household
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which do not give us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. Due to this, one is more prone to diseases like obesity, high cholesterol levels, Diabetes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

Secondly
, Even if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for one, we do not have much interest in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
or involving ourselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a hobby of sleeping or playing video games or spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on social media. These individuals do not like getting themselves involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or and outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. It is
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s personal interest
also
which drives one to involve in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.

To conclude
with the solutions, we can have gyms at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
; the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offices
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
organizing outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for their employees. They can
also
tie-ups with the local gyms or nearby clubs of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
to render
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
discounts for their employees. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
participate by
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organise' and 'organize') within a single text.
organising
gym equipment in the public parks or opening conventional
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
at subsidized rates.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop doing physical exercise when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop doing physical exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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