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Subjects such as Art, Sport and Music are being dropped from the school curriculum for subjects such as Information Technology. Many students suffer as a result of these changes. v.2

Subjects such as Art, Sport and Music are being dropped from the school curriculum for subjects such as Information Technology. Many students suffer as a result of these changes. v. 2
Some believe that traditional subjects should be retained as part of the school curriculum as they have great values for the students. According to their arguments, school education is not merely a process to ensure a future job. This is rather a broader aspect and to build an enlightened future generation, we need more cultural and arts-related subjects than technical ones. Another group of people believe that technical subjects are more important than arts and sports subjects as they not only ensure better learning for students but also guarantee jobs in the future. From a more practical point of view, technical knowledge is more important in life and this is why many people and guardians support the change in the school curriculum. The changes in school curriculum often create some difficulties to the students and teachers but if effective measures are taken, that should not be a big dilemma. Sometimes the change comes all of a sudden and learners do not have a clue what to do. The school authorities, in this case, should play an important role to support the learners. I personally believe that school curriculum should be changed from time to time to make it more suitable to the latest trend. This, however, does not mean that we drop cultural and arts-related subjects from our school. While place for the new subjects should be made, old and important subjects should also be part of the national curriculum. In conclusion, school curriculum is a very sensitive issue and that should be very carefully planned. Modern subjects should be introduced, no doubt, but this should not make the traditional and old subjects less important.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be retained
as part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
as they have great values for the students. According to their arguments,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education is not
merely
a process to ensure a future job. This is
rather
a broader aspect and to build an enlightened future generation, we need more cultural and arts-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
than technical ones.

Another group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
than arts and sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
ensure better learning for students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
guarantee jobs in the future. From a more practical point of view, technical knowledge is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
in life and this is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and guardians support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
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school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties to the students and teachers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if effective measures
are taken
, that should not be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
dilemma.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
all of a sudden and learners do not have a clue what to do. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities,
in this case
, should play an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
role to support the learners.

I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
from
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "time to".
time to time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it more suitable to the latest trend. This,
however
, does not mean that we drop cultural and arts-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
from our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. While place for the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be made
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
also
be part of the national curriculum.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
curriculum
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sensitive issue and that should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
carefully
planned. Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be introduced
, no doubt,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the traditional and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Subjects such as Art, Sport and Music are being dropped from the school curriculum for subjects such as Information Technology. Many students suffer as a result of these changes. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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