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Subjects like arts music and drama are more important than other school subjects and therefore should be give more time in the calendar Do you agree or disagree v.1

Subjects like arts music and drama are more important than other school subjects and therefore should be give more time in the calendar v. 1
Science and arts are the two pillars of society. Some individuals propound that schools should give more time to major subjects like Science, Math, and English, rather others reckoned that arts, music, and drama should be edified and given more time than the academic subjects. In my opinion, both subjects have indistinguishable value and should be taught in an evenhanded. To begin with, in the era of competitiveness, most of the parents fancy their offspring to opt for science subjects which guarantee their job after the cessation of the study. As every parent is anxious about the future of children, hence, they pressurize their child to take these subjects and consider art subjects as a wastage of time. They even do not accept their children playing music and dumb game instead they force them to play mind games or technological games. Nonetheless, to compete in this world is inevitable but competing without having any kind of leisure in life is quite difficult and stressful. The arts and music are subjects that act as stress busters. For instance, people who have hectic and busy schedules usually plan a holiday trip with the family to visit historic art museums or live concerts or movies. These all sorts of entertainment made of art, music, and drama. Moreover, these recreational subjects help in boosting the creativity in the children, in turn, help them in performing well in their academic subjects. To conclude, the arts and science subjects should be evenly blended in the school syllabus which should assist children to fabricate not only their future but can also intensify their skills.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are the two pillars of society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals propound that schools should give more time to major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
, Math, and English,
rather
others reckoned that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, and drama should
be edified
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more time than the academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. In my opinion, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
have indistinguishable value and should
be taught
in
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an evenhanded
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in the era of competitiveness, most of the parents fancy their offspring to opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which guarantee their job after the cessation of the study. As every parent is anxious about the future of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
hence
, they pressurize their child to take these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as a wastage of time. They even do not accept their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and dumb game
instead
they force them to play mind games or technological games.

Nonetheless, to compete in this world is inevitable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
competing without having any kind of leisure in life is quite difficult and stressful. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that act as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
busters.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have hectic and busy schedules
usually
plan a holiday trip with the family to visit historic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
museums or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
concerts or movies. These all sorts of entertainment made of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, and drama.
Moreover
, these recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in boosting the creativity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, in turn,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in performing well in their academic subjects.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should be
evenly
blended in the school syllabus which should assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to fabricate not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
also
intensify their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Subjects like arts music and drama are more important than other school subjects and therefore should be give more time in the calendar v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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