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Some people believe that subjects such as art, music, drama and creative writing have a bright future. Therefore, schools should spend more time teaching these subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Some people believe that subjects such as art, music, drama and creative writing have a bright future. Therefore, schools should spend more time teaching these subjects. with this statement? v. 1
According to a group of people in the society, children should be made to spend more time on creative art and related subjects in the schools since they believe it brings huge success in the future but in reality, career in this stream is unpredictable with involving a lot of struggle. To begin with, some parents think that there should be more time devoted by the schools in subjects such as art, drama or creative writing. The reason behind this thinking is that people see the big celebrities such as actors, musicians and others earning huge wealth and gaining enormous success. However, they are ignoring the struggle in this industry that people do to achieve this success. For example, out of thousands of people who want to become actors in Mumbai city, only a few are able to reach their goals and that even takes years to achieve. On the other hand, if the current system prevails, that stresses on subjects such as science and mathematics, then more number of engineers, scientists and teachers can be produced to meet the demands and needs of the industries. For example, if there are hundred vacancies made available in a company every year for the position of software engineers, they need more engineering graduates. Apart from this, salary in these jobs is comparatively stable on monthly basis and not based on the work such as earning only when the produced art work of painting or sketch gets sold. On the whole, though some people believe that jobs in arts subjects should be given more emphasis in the schools, I disagree on this statement since I think other subjects such as mathematics and science are more important for the children as per the industry demands.
According to a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the society, children should
be made
to spend more time on creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in the schools since they believe it brings huge success in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality, career in this stream is unpredictable with involving
Possible agreement error. The noun struggle seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of struggles".
a lot of struggle
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there should be more time devoted by the schools in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, drama or creative writing. The reason behind this thinking is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
celebrities such as actors, musicians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
earning huge wealth and gaining enormous success.
However
, they are ignoring the struggle in this industry that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do to achieve this success.

For example
, out of thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want to become actors in Mumbai city,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few are able to reach their goals and that even takes years to achieve.
On the other hand
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
system prevails, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stresses
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as science and mathematics, then more number of engineers, scientists and teachers can
be produced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demands and needs of the industries.
For example
, if there are
Use "a hundred" or use a number before 'hundred'.
hundred
vacancies made available in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
every year for the position of software engineers, they need more engineering graduates. Apart from this, salary in these jobs is
comparatively
stable on monthly basis and not based on the work such as earning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when the produced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
work of painting or sketch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
sold.

On the whole
, though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that jobs in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more emphasis in the schools, I disagree on this statement since I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as mathematics and science are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the children as per the industry demands.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that subjects such as art, music, drama and creative writing have a bright future. Therefore, schools should spend more time teaching these subjects. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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